I came to an odd realization today...

That I don’t miss Clovis one bit. I thought I would, I really thought it would be so painful to leave that little butt-of-every-joke-city… But in all reality, I’m loving it down here. And I know, this fact depresses…. well let’s face it, when it comes right down to it, no one in Clovis is spending their summer days in 100+ degree heat mulling over how much they miss me. And I’m perfectly ok with that. I thought it would bug me, I thought I would feel depressed that people I’d thought I’d grown close to wouldn’t miss me because I was never extra important in their lives, not even for a little bit. I thought I’d miss many people, and maybe one or two would miss me. I never expected droves of people to be longing for me to return, and they aren’t. No one is. Why? Because I wasn’t me there. I am me here. I am so much happier here than I have been in awhile. This is where I want to be. I am excited for this stage of my life, I am thrilled at this change I am experiencing, and I’m not sorry I left. And don’t kid yourself, neither are you. This is a wonderful change. And I am so glad it happened to me. :D

Worst thing about packing?

You’re in your cute outfit for your grandmother’s birthday dinner, but decide to change once you get home because it’s as hot as Hades at 7:30pm, except… your comfiest summer clothes are packed. You’re therefore forced to resort to wearing the clothes you picked out for the next three days… because they’re the only things not packed. So you’ll be doing laundry daily until you actually leave, in order to have clean clothes…

The best thing about packing? You find all sorts of random shit stuff from like three years ago that you’d completely forgotten about, and then you laugh for a good five minutes and spend more time reminiscing than actually packing… until you realize you leave in three days, but you really need to be packed by tomorrow.

It’s going to be weird moving back home…

So,

Tomorrow we check out

Friday is Senior Farewell Assembly

Sunday is my friend’s Grad Party

Tuesday is my birthday

And Wednesday we graduate…

I’m ready to graduate. I’m ready to go to college. I’m exponentially excited. But I will most likely cry tomorrow. And on Graduation. Not because I’m sad I’m leaving high school. But because I will be leaving my friends. And some of my favorite teachers. And the cliche is true to an extent, I may very well see none of them ever again. And there is still so many things left unsaid. I’ve been having these visions of perfect situations where I would be able to finally say everything I’ve wanted to everyone I’ve wanted to, and it would all be okay, and life would be good again, and I’d leave satisfied and happy. Alas, my life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel or an 80s movie. Therefore, I’ll be slightly sad for a short amount of time, then I’ll accept it and go create more memories to remember nostalgically years later.

Sometimes, it's not even worth it...

I hate being so afraid to be vulnerable. I do. Because I distance myself from people so much, that when I need to breakdown and just lean on somebody other than myself, I can't. Because people don't know how to react. Or they don't give a shit because I've distanced myself and am of little consequence to their lives. Whatever it is, it's shitty and it's my fault. Truly, this is my doing. And it fucking sucks. I just want to cry. But crying in my room and just letting it out by myself is not what I need. I need someone to care. Right now, I'm sick of being there for others, I want someone to be who I am for others, for me. And I hate it when everyone is flipping their lids because then I feel like I HAVE to be strong and suck it up because too much sadness and "drama" is just that, too much. So I have to settle for putting on my well-worn bitch face and suck it up, and comfort others in their time of need, while on the inside I'm screaming and falling apart at the seams. But that's just life I suppose. It sucks, but it is what it is.

"I TELL you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God's throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness
In souls as countries lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death—
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go."
     -Thank you AP Lit Exam. I still love this poem, and it seems particularly relevant right now.

I've been here, I've done this. So why can't we move past it?

What is the main reason for fighting with the people closest to you? Not why you feel it’s okay to abuse them, like what I said last night in my blog, but what is the main reason for constantly fighting like cats and dogs with your closest friend, family member, etc?

Is it because we see the best in them, and then become disappointed when they don’t express the best side of them in public? Is is because we are jealous of their lifestyle and wish to bring them down? Is it because we “need drama” in our lives and then take it out on those closest to us? Is it because we have what we feel are unresolved issues or feelings with/for each other? What? Why?

I thought we had resolved all of our issues with each other and hadn’t fought in the longest time until recently. Really, as of late we seem to be fighting almost every time I turn around. And I don’t want to end our amazing friendship and last month together on a horrible note. So why is it so incredibly hard for us to get along right now? What are we doing wrong? This is kind of starting to worry me…

I will never understand...

Why we, as human beings, feel it is okay to abuse the daylights out of our closest friends. Verbally, emotionally, and physically in the occasional situation where we feel a punch to the arm is warranted.

Is it because we feel we can trust them to never leave us, no matter what?

But isn’t there a line that has to be drawn eventually? Doesn’t one have to have some self respect and some boundaries?

What is wrong with us? And I really do mean us, I’m guilty of this most definitely, but we as the human race are completely guilty of it as well. And I don’t think I will ever understand it.

We are really fucked up creatures…

I just woke up from a three and a half hour nap...

And it was glorious. (Just fyi it was 7:30 when I initially started this, before I became sidetracked)

Well, Prom is tomorrow. And I am officially stoked. My date apparently looks “sick” (which I translate into sharp in Megan language) in his tux, which is what we were going for, so I’m REALLY excited to see it. I’m just excited in general.

Of course there’s still a few last minute kinks I’m working out about tomorrow night, but all in all I think it’ll be fine.

I think the best part about tomorrow is going to be getting to see my mom and spend time with her in a stereotypical mother-daughter situation where she helps me get ready for Prom. And that will be especially nice because my sisters and my dad aren’t coming with her, it’s just her. :D

I’ve also discovered that I may not seem really confident in my appearances in front of my friends, or at school or whatever, but then I get home and my family does stupid things like think they’re fat or their hair isn’t pretty enough, and it always has to be me to point out the fact that they need to be happy with who they are and what they look like, and that there is no point in not loving who they are and trying to change it.

I am extremely hypocritical, I recognize this fact.

My mother just called to go over stuff about tomorrow, and then proceeded to start yelling at me because she’s all stressed out with work, and is just worried, and I had to give her a second to calm down. It was a little frustrating to have her yell at me about something that was out of my control. But I understand, it is cherry season after all.

However cherry season means tons of free cherries coming my way soon! Score.

I am STUFFED from dinner. Blech, I feel way to full.

I need to get “Friday” out of my head…

It seems...

That the common consensus is that there are two types of perfect loves:

1. When the two people involved are exactly the same and pretty much the same person and compatible in every way it’s almost ridiculous.

2. The two people involved are complete and total opposites but love each other anyway because they are so different and teach each other new things/insights/whatnot all the time.

Just rambling, but I sometimes wonder if there is a third category, or a fourth, fifth, etc. Specifically a third “category” about two people who are somewhat similar but still different in many ways. This category seems much more probable of happening to many more people, and can’t you have a “perfect love” out of that? I never hear about the normal people who have much in common, and yet many differences in which they teach their significant other many things about said differences. Of course none of this is based on fact or anything of that sort, it’s just a thought…

Apparently my little sister is my worst nightmare?

“My older sister just lost the only real friend she will ever have and gained her worst nightmare”… My little sister Melanie wrote that on her Facebook page yesterday and it’s about me. (I’m her only older sister just fyi) So I just stared at it, laughed and then said out loud, to myself, “What does that even mean?!” I assume it is in reference to the fact that I found out about her insane tumblr account and the crazy statements made on it, the fact that I hacked it and created an ask box so I could essentially harass her about the lies she was spewing on said tumblr account, and the fact that I also showed the account to my mother who then insisted upon the shutdown of said account. I’m also not friends with my sister on Facebook and only saw the angry statement because I saw her comment on one of my friend’s status’ and thought, “I should check up on her Facebook page and see what she’s up to…” And regardless what you may think about this whole situation I find it incredibly entertaining, and I can say I’m 95% sure that when I start living at home again, her world is in for a rude awakening, because her self righteous, bratty little self will be put in her place on a daily basis… This is going to be fun. :)

Wow,

I’ve noticed that I’ve spent a lot of time on here (and just in general) feeling sorry for myself and complaining about how I, and others, have prevented me from achieving my ultimate goals in high school, and how I have prevented myself from achieving a lot of things just in life, or how I don’t have everything I want morally or spiritually or what have you. But here’s the thing; just because my high school career is about to be over in a very short amount of time, it’s not like that’s it. Once high school is over I will never have any chances to do anything ever again. That’s completely false. If anything, going to college is going to be the perfect time to change and start over. And all of these experiences in my life, even those that I am still working through, have shaped and molded me into who I am today. I have learned from a few of my mistakes, and I am still learning from others. And it is not over, there is still much I have left to learn, and I’m ready for it. And as far as not having everything I’ve wanted, like the support of friends, or getting to know certain people better or anything else like that, that’s total crap. I have spent the better part of the last four years getting to know and relate, and build relationships with these people. For some it’s been even longer. It is crazy how long I’ve known some of these people, and how close I’ve gotten to others in such a short amount of time. And I am blessed to know all of them and call them my friends, or even to just be able to say, “Yeah, I went to high school with them. I had English with them my senior year” etc. And I am grateful to know every single one of them, because I guarantee each person I have met/known has taught me something and contributed to making me the person I am today. And that’s truly an amazing thing. And I am so thankful to have had such a wonderful experience in high school, and I’m so prepared to take on whatever adventures come next. :)

Show some decency please...

Okay let’s just set the record straight, wearing uber short miniskirts with stripper heels and a longsleeve shirt that is barely shorter than your skirt in public is just skanky and not respectable at all. However wearing it to church, on Easter Sunday is downright disrespectful. Jeans and a t-shirt with flipflops would have been better than that! I mean really, let’s think about it; a) You can’t be older than fourteen. Go buy some real clothes at the Gap. b) You are going to church. You should already have the idea that ideally people dress a little nicer for church on Sunday, or Saturday, or whenever you go. I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase, “All dressed up in their Sunday clothes”… ringing any bells? c) You are going to church on Easter Sunday. How does that not comply in your mind? The holiest of holy days in the entire year, and that is what you chose to wear? Seriously? My slip is longer than your skirt. Show some decency for the love of the Lord. Literally. And for the record, short skirts with boots and leggings are also not acceptable and just looks like you can’t afford pants that fit you. Leave those at home whenever you go out in public, not just going to church

Pestering my own self...

I had a dream last night. You were in it. This has the potential of becoming incredibly awkward, but a) I don’t care. b) I’m not singling anyone out. So there. It was… interesting. Kind of a look at what life would be like for the next two months if things had turned out differently. If things were to turn out differently. You asked me to tell you my life story, I was thinking about the movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before I went to bed and my favorite line in that movie is, “Now sit back. Relax. Enjoy your brandy. And tell me your life story.” It was intriguing, and a bit cathartic. Weird. But kind of nice all at the same time.

Idea: Don’t apologize for anything. I over apologize. I really think I do.

New Idea: Scratch the previous idea. It’s a bad one. But I need to stop degrading myself and apologizing for crap that doesn’t matter. I don’t need to apologize for pestering people or speaking a certain way when I am the only one with that perception of my behavior. If I annoy the life out of them, they can grow a pair and tell me. I’m not going to read your mind. I am how I am. Not what I am, I know I am a human being. I am a woman. It’s surprisingly difficult to change either of those things actually. But I am how I am. I am feisty. I am hypocritical. I am rude. I am mean. I am nice. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am sweet. I am short-tempered. I am understanding. I am caring. I am empathetic. I am sympathetic. I am aggressive. These, and more are all true to the max. And I am not going to continuously apologize for any of these behaviors unnecessarily. I need to learn to trust myself first. That has been my biggest issue for the past ten years and then some. I have found that I have issues trusting others. So I figured I could only trust myself. Fine. Stereotypical teenage girl. I can live with that label for a short amount of time. About a minute later and I begin to resent it, and therefore try to rid myself of it. I pretend to trust others. But the key to changing things is not to pretend to change, but to actually change. So I chose a new route; don’t care about other people’s opinions or their labels of you. That worked well for a long time. Until I actually started to like some of my peers, and I discovered I have this intense craving to be accepted and fit in. So we’re back to the stereotypical teenager drama. Back to the drawing boards as it were. So I tried a novel idea; be a stereotypical teenager. Enjoy it. Don’t fight it. It’s life. That one worked wonders. And then a new question was raised; What if you can’t even trust yourself? What then? And that terrified me. I thought, “Oh my God. I can’t trust myself. I don’t make good choices. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself now?” I hate admitting to being dependent on others, however I desperately want to have that one person there to just let me collapse on them physically, emotionally, and mentally. But I don’t want to have to tell them/ask them to be there. I just want them to be there. And I’ve fooled myself into thinking there’s at least two people I can look to for that. In all reality it’s not true at all. They both have their own lives that do not constantly coincide with mine. And I most definitely do not want to take that from them. But now I’m stuck. What do I do if I feel I cannot even trust myself? Now I’m just sitting here thinking about what an obnoxious whiny teenager I am being right now. Fuck that. I hate that shit. I don’t want to be that shit. I’ve reached no new resolution, or just solution in general. But I need to go drive myself insane thinking about this on my own for a little bit…

That it felt like this, we were never told...

Well. I now know why my grandmother chose TODAY to take me shopping and whatnot. So I could be distracted from all of the pictures and texts I’ve been getting from my family that are of Chris and about Chris and what a wonderful goddamn time they’re having without me. Dammit. I was okay with just being bitter about it. I was okay with ignoring how it actually physically hurts me that I’m not in Oklahoma right now. And then I get the picture of him in his uniform. And then the waves of tears hit me. This. Is not. Cool. I miss him. Yeah that’s lame sounding, but he’s my brother. My only brother. And everyone in my family, sans myself, is there with him. And my sister had the gall to say that me going to dinner on Saturday with my godparents and my grandparents isn’t fair. Not only that, she had the gall to say it in front of me, actually she was sitting right next to me. At dinner. To my whole family she declared this. I just turned and looked at her and said very quitely, but very forcefully, “You want to talk about unfair?” She just looked at me with the look of “Oh shit what did I just say?” as my parents and grandparents all at the same moment said, “Melissa. Shut up. Now.”


On a different and more upbeat note, mainly because I’m sick of being sad and feeling sorry for myself, I have a date for Prom. Win. I’m actually really excited now. I actually need a dress now. Good thing I’m going shopping today anyway.


I want to see Water for Elephants really badly.


I also want to do something really fun this Spring Break. I won’t, but I still want to.


I also want you to see me as I am. Maybe I just want you.

Today I learned that my sister's insanity knows no bounds...

And that if you have a head cold, driving over the Grapevine is a bitch because your ears won’t pop till seven hours later…

But back to my sister’s insanity… I found this random tumblr account today by accident. I was trying to get on my account on my brother’s computer, but this other account was automatically logged in. I saw the profile pic of this random chick I didn’t know and thought, “Who the heck is this and why is their tumblr logged in on this computer?” Me being the nosy person that I am, read all of the posts. It has these pictures of a girl that is 17. Not only that but she has a boyfriend named Kennedy that she has been with for a year and 89 days, says that she is adopted, she lives in Australia, has diabetes, and has brain cancer. It turns out to be my sister. Before anyone flips their lid let me clarify: My sister is a fourteen year old freshmen in high school. She has no boyfriend (trust me, I would know) and especially not one named Kennedy that she has been dating for one year and 89 days. The only way that she was adopted was by our stepfather (who adopted all four of us kids) after our mother got a divorce, and remarried, making him our father. She lives in Moorpark, California, UNITED STATES. It’s like the Clovis of SoCal. But smaller. She does NOT have diabetes. And she MOST DEFINITELY DOES NOT have brain cancer in any way shape and or form. She is as healthy as a horse. Guaranteed. She. Made. It. All. Up. None of it is true. So what I’ve been wanting to scream at her all day is: “WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?!” Literally who? Ever since I saw that the phrases, “Who does that?” and “What the fuck?” have been running through my mind nonstop. What kind of crappy life do you have to have to make up the most awful stuff to make it seem worse? And what really ticks me off is the diabetes and brain cancer part. You self righteous little prick get off your pedestal and go crawl into a hole you miserable excuse for a human being. There are SO many things that are messed up with her morally and mentally, obviously, that I don’t even know what to think about her, or even how to handle the situation. I want to punch her square in the mouth for being so stuck up, and enough of a… I can’t even think of the right name I want to call her, but the fact that she has the gall to do this. Who. Does. That?!?!?!

You're just too good to be true...

Michael and I have the bizarrest friendship on the face of this earth. We challenge, fight with, scream at, and understand each other without a word. Last night was the biggest fight we’ve had since sophomore year… maybe less. I can’t recall. There were tears, frustration, curse words, and epic amounts of sorrow. But that boy teaches me more every single day without evening knowing it or meaning to. He pushes me to be a better person no matter how much I fight him tooth and nail the entire way. Last night I was shattered by the thought that he’d finally given up. In all reality he was giving me tough love and pushing me to think before I speak. Of Course I saw nothing wrong with the situation and immediately turned to defense mode, I was angry, sad, pretty much an emotional wreck. He has been my best friend for five years, and I’m terrified of someone I love finally seeing the true me and walking out on my life because I disgust them. Take those two facts and add in last night’s train wreck to the mix, and you get one completely broken, depressed, emotionally sick to the point of being physicallysick Megan. Not my happiest moment to say the least. We used to fight like cats and dogs on a weekly basis, and then we realized we know each other all too well to judge one another. The fact that he said he was saddened and hurt by my actions, that didn’t even involve him, shattered me. I’m insane and am constantly searching for people’s approval, and lately I’ve been trying to be more happy and accepting with myself, so I try not to care too much about what other people think of me. But he’s my oldest friend, I would trust his word with my life if it came down to it. So I care more deeply about his opinion above almost all others. And I trust him enough to have complete faith in what he says. I forget what a good guy he is to me every now and then. And I think last night revealed that. He looks out for me even when I don’t look out for myself. And that’s such a wonderful blessing in my life that I don’t acknowledge enough. :)

What kind of world do you want?

“Believe me, you really don’t have to worry, I only want to make you happy. But if you say ‘Hey go away’ I will. But i think better still, I’d better stay around and love you. Do you think I’d have a place, let me ask you to your face; do you think you love me? Oh I think I love you…” -David Cassidy and the Partridge Family

I have two hundred million pictures I want to send in for the senior video, I’m thinking they’re not going to use all two hundred million and I should dwindle that number down… sadface

Oh, in case any one was wondering Gonzo and Racks got 102% on their Statistics Project about a survey on Brady the Jabroni Bersano. Just so you know. happyface

I think I’m getting sick, and that sucks entirely.

I’m house sitting in Moorpark all of Spring Break for my family who will be in Oklahoma to visit my only brother. I don’t get to go. That also sucks entirely. supersadface

I want to start writing again. This counts, but not really. Maybe I will start this Spring Break.

Oh wait, no I won’t, I’ll be doing what those with a horrible sense of humor (and no mercy for our poor senior souls) call Heaven Part Two the. Entire. Time. killmenowface

There is also nothing to do in Moorpark when you know absolutely no one.

There is even less than nothing to do in Moorpark when you know absolutely no one and your whole family is in another state.

I guess that could be perceived as a good thing to all of the sick, twisted, joy-deprived souls. I am not one of those. angryface

The major plus side to this awful situation that is so ridiculous it’s incredible? Shopping spree to the max. And dinner at Ruth Chris Steakhouse on the 23rd. That’s a bit of a win I suppose. happyface

I want to go to Disneyland. Right. Now.

You give me chills. Stop being so fantastic in your own insane way.

If you don’t intend to acknowledge how incredibly attracted I am to you, and then proceed to woo and court me, stop being so ridiculously compatible with me. It’s not fair. So knock it off. Or love me passionately. Whatever floats your boat. However, I vote for the latter, it sounds like a good plan. A total win win. I get you in all of your amazing ability to make me feel normal, important, and not like a complete idiot (whilst I make a fool of myself over you). And you get me… okay maybe not a completely fair trade, but if this entirely irrational and hypothetical situation were to work out, I’d do my fair share of at least attempting to be as equally fantastic as you. It’d be hard work, but I’m completely convinced you’d be worth it. Want to prove me right??

I feel

At peace.

Full of compassion.

Want.

Love.

Wonder as to why the heck I’m writing something that could qualify for an english assignment in my blog…

I wish, I mean I REALLY wish I could just act upon instinct, upon feeling, just to do what I want. But that requires guts, and possibly making a fool of myself. And maybe even freaking some people out. But that doesn’t keep me from just wanting to do it. Almost everyday I think, “What if I just did it, and then walk away like nothing happened?” But, again, this isn’t the movies, I can’t just do something and act upon a feeling because I just really want to. I wish it worked like that. I’d be so much more of a forward person than I already am. Okay then maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea… But I still just want to do it. Maybe I will. Probably not. But maybe. You never know, maybe the timing will be right. Probably not. But maybe… I wish.

Music

Sometimes I can’t even figure out what it is I’m feeling, or even how I want to express it. Which freaks me out because I’m a control freak and cannot handle not being in control of my own thoughts and feelings. But music, music helps me bypass the hesitation and total shutdown that would commence because I don’t know how I feel, or why. Music lets me relax, and just emphasizes the feelings I have to a new level, a more apparent level, so I can fully face them and figure out what’s going on in my own mind, in my own spirit. Or I can just ignore them and love the music and how it greatly influences my mood.

Killing Me Softly With His Song = Want. Desire. Pain. Devotion. Passion.

I Miss You = Sorrow. Love. Want. Passion.

I haven’t heard those songs in forever, then Pandora decides to play them, I belt along, and suddenly I feel better. I feel in control again. I know what I feel. I want passion. I have an intense desire, craving even, for love. Passion. Devotion. I have sorrow in the recognition of the fact that I, and I alone, am keeping myself from obtaining these things. That empty, missing feeling is back. It’s not angst or depression, but just emptiness I wish to fill with the reciprocated love of another. And maybe one day I will. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe next week, or the week after, even. Maybe one day I’ll forget all about it and grow up to be an old, bitter spinster. I just feel I need the comforting knowledge that there is someone there for me, and me alone, who will love me as compassionately and as wholly as I love him, and I feel that knowledge will bring me peace. Ease my worried heart… maybe one day.

Releasing all of my bottled up emotions... In one day.

I cried for a whole day. I haven’t cried that much in… Well I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much. But I feel like I not only physically released the pain I felt about the current situation, but also all the pent up pain I’ve been locking up for….. almost six months now. So that was scarier than anything I ever experienced, because I just couldn’t stop. I thought I was never going to be happy again. It’s like when you have the stomach flu and wonder if the excessive vomit will ever stop erupting from your esophagus. I wondered if I would never be able to stop crying. But I eventually lapsed into a kind of coma by “watching” television for the entire day. I also distracted myself by forcing myself to work on my dance. And then this hour long scalding hot, melt my skin off with just the steam shower felt incredible, and I feel better. Not normal, but better. Like I can fake my way through the day pretending to be okay and happy tomorrow. And that’s all I ask for.

The ending of one adventure only leads to the beginning of another

This, this right here is what a family looks like. These people are here for me every single day despite our differences in beliefs, tastes in literature, what we want to do with our lives, or any other completely unnecessary and irrelevant fact you want to throw at us to create a break in this bond we all share. Every single one of these people have impacted my life in a huge way. And I will NEVER forget any of them for that. I love each and every one of them from the deepest place inside my heart. They are my family, and I will miss them all dearly.

Hypocrisy

Really? I mean really now. As I rambled in a sleep-deprived stupor Sunday morning on the car-ride home, I discovered how much hypocrisy bugs the life out of me. Initially I just threw that answer out there, and then I rambled about it for a bit, but then I started really thinking about it today, and yeah, that is the thing I hate most about people (at least I think that was the initial question). And I just saw something that made me want to punch the person who posted it directly in the face. Initially I was surprised that someone who typically treats me quite nicely, and has never done wrong by me, could make me so incredibly angry. I mean, who are you to judge me? Who are you to be the self-righteous prick you’re being by judging what I do, what I eat, what I like? And just so whoever reads this knows, I’m trying incredibly hard to not curse right now, I’m trying to be less of an angry person, and cursing doesn’t help me. But man, oh man that made me so mad. And ironically Michael and I were just talking about how both of us have been trying so hard this year to be less angry all the time because we both have a history of being incredibly angry. And we both said that we seem to have done well. And I suppose you could say I have made an improvement because I didn’t immediately verbally abuse the daylights out of them, and I didn’t just punch them in the face, but I am showing my complete distaste for that kind of behavior here. In a blog. So all in all this is the mildest form I think I could provide for my anger. Hypocrites. Oooh. I want to scream. At them. And make them feel completely insignificant and like a total jackass. Yeah, I still have some issues to work out I guess…

No one ever said it would be this hard...

Just take me back to the start…

• I. Am. So. Bloody. Tired. I feel bad too because I was holding up so well to the stress of everything, and I was being a bit condescending to those who were having like mental breakdowns… and yeah. I’m on the edge. I can feel myself about to just collapse, and something tells me I shouldn’t do that because I wont get back up, and I don’t think there’s anyone around who will catch me/help me back up. And that sounds really whiny and very “Woe is me. I don’t have anyone there for me.” And I hate that. But I’m too exhausted to lie. I want someone to just physically and mentally take care of me and console me and tell me it’s all going to work out and be okay. Someone to just hug me and just be there. I’m sick of my grandmother getting mad about me ranting to her when she asks what’s wrong. I’m sick of her saying, “Just shut up. It’s going to work out. You’re just being stupid and making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not that big of an issue. Stop trying to over-involve yourself in the show to feel important.” My initial response is to tell her to shut the f*ck up and then punch her in the face. I’ve had a lot of pent up stress which turns into anger, which I’ve been needing to physically let go of. Ryan T was my punching bag today because I was just done. And I shouldn’t have done that. And I’m sorry. But I already apologized. And I think he gets that today just wasn’t my day and I took it out on him. So that’s not a big issue.
• As weird as this sounds, chatting with Olson today made me realize how fed up I am with my parents trying to dictate my life outside of their reach. I can’t choose where I apply to/go to for college, I can’t choose what classes I want to take, I can’t choose what I want to do with my life. I’m barred from even getting a haircut until after many hours of debate and tears. And that bugs me to no end. And my parents are under the impression that I can’t handle certain things, so they keep me from doing them. Who are they to say I can’t handle it? So I make a few mistakes, they are MY mistakes. How am I supposed to learn if they wont let me? I think it just got to me more than it normally would have because I’m so frayed at the edges.
• I just… need someone. Someone to lean on. And I don’t think I have that. Which makes me want to cry. Because that’s my fault. That is one mistake that no matter how hard my mother has tried to keep from happening, it’s happened. I just feel so vulnerable and insignificant, and like I said, I just need someone to physically, mentally, and emotionally lean on…
• I really hope I can make it through these next few weeks before I have to start all over again pretty soon…

I've got to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time...

Ever since I’ve decided to stop being completely rude (which is like two days ago) I’ve already seen some dramatic changes in my life. I’m less annoyed with people, and I feel less hatred within me.

I’ve also been working really hard on working out the kinks in my faith. I’ve struggled with my faith and religion ever since I can remember. But I was in Mass on Sunday, and I kind of had this opening of my heart moment. My biggest issue with believing in Christ was putting that much trust in someone I could not be sure of was there. That and I got extremely agitated by people who attacked other people because if their faith or lack thereof, in the name of God. I would always think, “Isn’t God supposed to love everyone? What kind of god would support his ‘people’ treating their fellow man like that?” and then, I guess God finally answered my questions/prayers and sent me a few signals. The first was a friend of mine’s blog a few days ago. And it had a picture of awful people holding signs saying terrible things like “God hates faggots. God punishes gays.” etc. And beneath it she put, “Reblog if this is NOT your God.” that made me think, and it also made me happy that I wasn’t alone in my belief that if there was a God, they loved everyone. The second was Mass on Saturday. First of all there were these two adorable little kids, a brother and a sister, with their parents. And the brother was maybe four or five and was restless the whole time. And the sister was maybe nine or ten, and she was so cute trying to pay attention the whole time and was fascinated when Father Eric gave the ushers their bread and wine. And then they were both really interested in the mural of Christ and his Apostles that is on the back wall. And it just made me happy to see to sweet kids that interested in their faith. And then the Gospel was Matthew 7:21-23. And THAT really spoke to me. And then, when we were praying for the different things for the church, one of them was to pray for the youth who are lost in their faith, to help them find it through the love of Christ. And I swear on the grave of my grandfather, that the light coming in from the stained glass windows above shined directly on me, and was so bright I had to cover my eyes with my hand. And I felt this warm happy presence inside of me and thought, “This is it. This is my sign that He really cares about me.” And I cried right then and there. And so with that, my new faith, and (hopefully) my walk with Christ in my life begins.

Im disgruntled:

With myself. I feel like I’ve been ruder than I need to be. And I’ve been thinking about how I treat people, and how probably 95% of the people I just talk to must think I hate them because I’m typically an argumentative, in-your-face bitch. And I’m a total hypocrite. I hate hypocrites. I really do. And who am I to judge you? Who am I to say “You’re wrong, stop doing that”? ESPECIALLY when it comes to religion. I am so rude to people who voice their faith and beliefs because I am struggling with my own beliefs. And that’s wrong of me. I should not have to try to bring down other people in their happiness and comfort, that’s just wrong. So, I’m so sorry to everyone (especially people like Brady and Cameron who have constantly received flack from me because I felt the need to play the Devil’s Advocate) I’ve ever been just plain rude to. It’s your opinion, do with it what you will. And I’m going to try really hard to change that. Because it bugs me, and I don’t need to act that way.

Yummy yummy in my tummy

• Lately life has been hectic beyond belief. But I’m loving every minute of it.
• BLTs for dinner, my favorite. My grandmother makes a BOMB BLT.
• The show is coming along nicely in my opinion, and I am stoked to open. And I can’t wait to throw a cast party. It is going to be fabulous.
• And I absolutely ADORE the number Mennuch gave me to re-stage for the concert. It is RIGHT up my alley, and looks to be SO much fun to do! I can not wait to start teaching this. SO. Excited.
• I just finished my BLT and it was absolutely fantastic. Yummmmmm.
• And I found my chapstick I lost at Festival. Guess I didn’t lose it after all.
• And I’m tired, and feel like I have so much more to say. But words seem to be failing me at the moment. That’s a first. But I wonder why. Hmm.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?

I noticed something today: With this whole positivity kick I’m on, I have less to say. If I have something bad to write about, or complain about, or anything negative that I have an opinion on, then I have a ton of stuff to say about it. But if I’m focusing on only the good in my life, then I seem to have less to say/write about. Why is that? Maybe I’m just really boring, and I whine and bitch about things to make myself seem more interesting. I can think of at least two people who wouldn’t hesitate to agree with me. But ok, so I talk less, I can think of at least twenty people who wouldn’t hesitate to agree with that. Ha. I’ll have to think on this some more. Maybe I just don’t realize all of the good things in my life. Or I don’t feel comfortable just blabbing about how great my life is. I don’t feel comfortable just blabbing about my life in general with certain people listening/reading.

I care far too much about what other people think. I really do. And I keep saying how I’ll stop doing that, but then as soon as I get to school or start socializing with others, I start worrying about others opinions of me. I realize it’s good to care about other people’s opinions to an extent, however I think I care a little too much. At least when it comes to certain people’s opinions. There is a vast majority of people whose opinions/statements I take with a grain of salt, however there are a few that I care about more than I should. I think. And I don’t know why, but my brain is just wired that way. But I can’t just keep saying that and using it as an excuse, I have to really sit down (one of these days) and reevaluate who I am. I’m leaving for college this summer, and starting college in a completely new city will be the perfect opportunity for me to recreate my image if need be. I know I want to be more outgoing right from the get go. No shy, unsure Megan who doesn’t think she is good enough for the job. There is so much I could have done these past four years in high school that I missed out on because I had this constant thought of, “No, I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if they want me to do it. Someone else will do it.” And on many occasions I sat back and faded into the wallpaper. I had the horrible habit of waiting for opportunities to drop into my lap, (and other than my freshman year, thanks to Chris) they never did. Especially in theatre. And it really wasn’t until this year that I decided, “Heck no. I am not missing out on a single thing.” Last year was a perfect example, I didn’t get the student director position for The Nerd (through my own fault), so I didn’t even crew it. I just sat back and saw the show a few times. And man, oh man, do I regret that decision. I decided to pout instead of becoming active and involving myself. Whereas this year I didn’t just crew And Then There Were None, I went to K before the crew slips were sent out, and asked her directly if there was anything she wanted me to do. And I got what I considered to be the most fun job in the show. And with The Odd Couple, I definitely wanted to be a part of that, so I learned how to do lights and brought props and everything for the show. And it was a blast. And now, with Sugar, not only do I know every word to every song, but I’m in the ensemble, which is tons of fun, I’m also working on all of the terms needed for the glossary, and I may end up helping Rigby with costumes because there seems to be a shortage of girls who want to help. So I’m all over this show, and it’s absolutely fabulous. I’m going to be this Megan next year at Moorpark for sure. I’m not going to slip back into my old ways, and start all over again, no way. And I’ve also learned that knowing the shows you’re auditioning for help a ton. I have learned so much through being completely obsessive about the upcoming shows and insisting on knowing everything there is to know about them. I’m a total freak when it comes to shows, but it’s kind of fun. For Anything Goes, I learned all of the music and the characters relationships, all from just listening to the music over and over, and doing a tad bit of research on Wikipedia. With And Then There Were None, I bought the play and read it I don’t know how many times over the summer and spoke in a British accent to the point of my family losing their sanity. I knew that show so well that by the time auditions rolled around, I already had predicted what pieces K was going to use for everyone to audition with. And I was right. And it was so much fun. Same thing with Sugar. I knew all of the music about a month or so in advance. Which is extremely fun now watching Austin struggle through the Act II pieces whilst I sing along the whole time. Until K finally said, “Stop it. He needs to learn the hard way. Don’t help him.” So I laughed and sang along in my head. It’s a joy, theatre is, that I will never stop loving. I’m constantly learning and growing, and I can’t get enough.

So I guess I do have a lot to say about something positive, as long as that something is theatre…

And by the way, this is almost as long as our essays in AP Lit have to be. That’s fabulous. :)

This weekend looks to be amazing...

After owning at Festival yesterday, I’m ready to take on the world. And no offense to anyone, but Clovis North can suck it.

The party at Austin’s was really fun, my kind of party, a Drama party. :D

We get into the Black Box next Wednesday, and needless to say, I am stoked.

So much good in my life in the past day is just…fantastic. I love it when stuff like this happens, and with the show finally getting up and going, just makes it all the better. I’m just so happy. I’m doing what I love everyday after school, with these great kids who have become my family. I love all of them. And it’s going to completely suck when Sugar is over. But for these next six weeks, I’m going to love every minute of this.

I’m having another moment where I have so much I want to say, but I can’t seem to be able to express it with words. Ha. It kind of makes me think of what Brad Meyers was saying yesterday about how a musical scene reaches such a climax that words no longer do what you want to say justice, that you have to break out in song to express yourself. I feel like that, except I don’t want to break out in song (although I do absolutely love it), but I want to… like hug everybody or something.

I’m going to make a promise right now that for the next six weeks, I am going to be as positive/happy as possible. I think I can do it. It’ll be easy I think.

I don’t know what I’m giving up for Lent though, maybe I’ll give up anger. That would be difficult though… I don’t know. I have to really think about it. And no, there is no way in Hell that I will give up theatre or the shows for Lent. So don’t even joke about it. Ha.

And I’m really excited for this three day weekend. :)

Short and Sweet Tonight...

Kinda.

I was thinking today, about how I’ve lived my life for the past sixteen years. And I say sixteen because I’ve tried to change who I am a little bit for the better this year, because I didn’t like who I was. But I have a question, as usual. Can you make up for your past and how you acted by changing and becoming a “better” person? I don’t know. I try to be really nice to people and help them out when they have issues, and give advice when I think it’s relevant or atleast decent enough to share, but I do it to feel better about myself and what I jerk I can be/am/was sometimes. I share my lunch because I used to hecka mooch off of people in middle school, and I’m trying to make up for that. It’s like if I’m good enough for these next sixteen years, it’ll cancel out these previous years, and I’ll start over and be back at ground zero again. Something tells me it doesn’t work like that. I don’t know. I really think that you can change someone’s opinion/view of you, but you can’t change everyone’s. And what if you only wanted to change someone’s opinion of you, but they’re the one person you couldn’t change? I’m so scared of leaving a horrible impression upon someone I care immensely about…

And reading this, I sound incredibly stupid and whiny. Fabulous.

Play the music low, and swing to the rhythym of love...

I haven’t blogged lately because I’m trying to stick with a vow I made to only blog about things that have a point. I’m tired of babbling about my day. It’s boring, uninteresting, and redundant. Like that last sentence.

So my point in this particular blog is for all you gushy, mushy, and just a mess of lovey-dovey love-birds. What, in your book, is love? (And baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more) What qualifies for you as love? And don’t tell me the whole, “There are many different kinds of love…” blah blah blah. I know. WE know. But, for a significant other, what’s love for you? Do you love that person for the good, and the bad? Do you accept their flaws as they are, or do you fight to change them and make them a “better person”? If you are the “flawed” person, do you change for love? Do you change who you are for your significant other? Let’s assume these changes could be for “the positive” you become more outgoing, more comfortable with who you are, you’re less of a bitch, etc. Do you change for that person? They don’t like your sarcasm, so do you stop being constantly sarcastic? I’m guilty of doing this just for my friends! The sarcasm one being an exact example, my friend was annoyed at my constant sarcasm, so I stopped around him. However I’ve found it kind of defines me. But do I want it to define me? Or do I want to change that definition I view of myself? That seems to be our constant struggle in adolescence. We’re constantly changing our image and what defines us. Why? Because we don’t like how we look/act/are, etc? Why don’t we like it? Because no one else is like that? Because everyone else is doing something different? What causes us to think we are unworthy, or less-worthy of someone’s attention or love? My mother is constantly hounding me about how I need to change how I act to “catch a decent fellow’s eye”. Why? Can’t there be some guy out there who likes my reproachable attitude, and occasional negative outlook on things, my constant need to vent, and how I pretty much speak what I feel? And here’s another question (of the many I’ve already written): Why do I need to catch a “decent fellow’s eye”? Especially now in life? Shouldn’t I be focusing on creating a name and a career for myself? Doesn’t love and the dating scene and all that jazz come later in life? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just bitter that I’m not the kind of girl guys go running after. And that’s extraordinarily shallow of me. I should change that. BUT, should I change because I don’t like it? Okay yes. But do I not like it because it’s looked down upon in society? Again, yes. Why should I care what society thinks? Because society says so. This is a slippery slope to go down. Okay new philosophy: You change who you are, because youfeel the need to. You want to actually like yourself. Good. I like that idea. But I like myself, and yet I still can’t find anyone that likes me too. How is it that I can like me for me, and no one else can? I can’t figure it out. But this isn’t a pity party. That’s shallow as well. And I want to change that. I am a strong, independent woman, and I don’t need a man to make me laugh, or comfort me when I’m upset, or tell me I’m beautiful because he really thinks that. But I want that. I don’t need it, and yet I yearn for it. Stupid St. Valentine’s Day, I was doing so well with eating chocolate in utter ignorance of myself too…

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not the random, self-wallowing types on St. Valentine’s Day, I love the holiday. It’s an excuse to eat chocolate up the wazoo regardless if you’re single, married, divorced, or a five year-old chimpanzee. “It’s okay Bobo, eat as much chocolate as you want, it is St. Valentine’s Day after all…” But today has just really made me reevaluate myself. Granted it took tons of other people’s flowers, chocolates (although I had a fair amount myself today), teddy bears, balloons, and happiness in general being shoved in my face and all around me for me to stop and think about this…

So, what’s your opinion?

We could be heroes, forever and ever....

• Moulin Rouge = LOVE. Trufax.
• According to my mother, I am Rachel Berry. HA. If only I had those pipes. And talent. And that amount of confidence in myself.
• Before I want to die, I want to sing an amazing duet with someone… I guess that’s how my mom got the whole “Rachel Berry” thing.
• And before this school year is out, I’m getting a gazillion people together and we’re doing a flashmob. Expect it, because it is guaranteed.
• Today we started singing “You’re The Top” from Anything Goes during Sugar rehearsal, and it was kind of freaky because I was just singing that last night. But it was also super cool. I love it when that happens.
• I also learned to not leave my phone out and about around Michael, bad things will happen to my Facebook if I do…
• Not that it’s a surprise to anyone, who knows me really, but after watching Glee today, and listening to the A Chorus Line soundtrack in my car, it kind of just reinforced the fact that I want to go into theatre for the rest of my life. I love performing. And singing, and the whole experience. It just, overwhelms me, and it feels good to be a part of something that big. To develop a character, and see the whole experience. It just makes me feel completely at peace. Like I’m home. I walked into the Drama room at lunch on Tuesday (after missing school all morning because I felt terrible), and Austin and Michael were running their Odd Couple scene for Festival, and I still knew every one of their lines. And that’s exactly what it felt like when I walked into that room, like I was coming home. I adore that feeling. It’s addicting. And I’m sure wherever I go, the instant I step inside a theatre, or anywhere really that can be a stage or a performing area, I’ll get that feeling. Like I belong there. And I think I do. And I really like this feeling.
• And on that note (no pun intended)…

“I’m gonna live and live now. Get what I want—I know how. One roll for the whole show bang, one throw, that bell will go clang. Eye on the target and wham! One shot, one gun shot, and BAM!”

And freedom, oh freedom, that's just some people talking...

• I got to stay home till lunch today because I felt like total crap when I woke up this morning at 5:45am. And I had gone to bed at 11:30pm, after being awake all day yesterday since 4am. So yeah. I was exhausted, sick, and overworked/stressed out beyond belief. So it was nice to sleep in until 9:30am and go to only two classes. Granted in AP Gov’t I did not want to write those essays, but they were easier than I thought. So hopefully I didn’t fail them.
• I’m on an Eagles kick lately. I love The Eagles. SUCH a good band. My favorite three songs by them: Desperado, Hotel California, and The Last Resort. In no particular order.
• And you can that I’m well liked, but I’ll never be friendless… Just figured I’d throw some variety in there.
• Clark is coming tomorrow, I kind of just found this out at lunch. That should be fun.
• I always have something I want to say that I go, “Oh! I should put that in my blog!” And then I forget it. Crap
• My mom is insane. For all of you wondering. I just don’t get why she is under the impression that if I don’t have a significant other in my life during highschool/college/at all, that I’ll be miserable, like I’m completely missing out on this epic experience of my life. It’s really annoying. I’ve had this speech from her now for the hundredth time since 7th grade. Like really? Thanks so much for the faith in my happiness Mom… Plus it’s just awkward. Especially when she makes it sound like there’s something wrong with me. It just bugs me to no end.
• I need to learn to be a better dancer. I am a terrible dancer. At least I think I am.
• I just remembered what I wanted to do with my blog. I wanted to write a bit of a “wish” list. Just things I want to do. Kind of like a bucket list, but I’m such an awful procrastinator that they’re more like wishes because they’ll probably never happen. And some stuff I can’t control at all. Now all I have to do is remember the specific thing I was “wishing” for/thinking about this morning…
• I wish I had more confidence to really sing in front of people. That wasn’t what I was thinking about this morning, but it’s one thing.
• I really want to cut my hair, but the guy that has cut my hair my entire life quit doing that and is working in a new profession. It’s really quite depressing.

“Who will provide the grand design? What is yours and what is mine? ‘Cause there is no more new frontier, and we have got to make it here. We satisfy our endless needs and justify our bloody deeds, in the name of destiny and the name of God.” -The Last Resort: The Eagles

Just kill me now...

AP Government is going to be the death of me anyways. Just get it over with now. Quick and far less painful than this. And AP Lit, you’re not helping. This. Sucks. So. Bad.

Oh, also, I hate how he even points out that, “if you study 14 of the 15 questions, you’re only guaranteed to be familiar with 50% of the material”. I still have seven to go. I guess it’s a good thing there’s a pretty sizeable dagger in my desk drawer. It’d be a pretty poetic way to die. Shakespeare liked it well enough. This isn’t helping either.

And so long to devotion, you taught me everything I know...

Well. Chris is officially gone. I'm really sad about the whole thing. And actually crying a little. I love him. So much. And I'm really going to miss him. We may have had our rough moments, but he's really a great brother. I hope he stays safe, and doesn't have too hard of a time in OK. As soon as we find out what his address is there, I'm going to write him all the time.

I was thinking about this particular blog lastnight before I fell asleep, and what I was going to say here. And I had something else I really wanted to discuss, but I can't remember what it is now. I just keep thinking about Chris. It was weird lastnight, he and I were talking and I didn't think about how I really wasn't going to be able to do this for awhile with him. It kind of just hit me.

For those of you who are offended or not clear as to why this is such a sad day in my household, it's because Chris really didn't want to have to do this. He made quite a few bad choices, and ultimately they led to this. And it was a brash decision he made to join up, and my whole family is really upset about this. The Army has been a tremendous strain upon my family and our relationships within it, and not to disrespect anyone in uniform, but this was not a life we wanted for Chris, for any of us really. I just hope he stays safe, and sticks to his plan: keep his head down, finish his term of service, and then go back to school. Like those Army commercials, but for real, because he doesn't want this. But there's not a whole lot he can do now. There's not a whole lot any of us can do now. Except to be there for him and support him.

Chris, I love you so much. You've taught me everything I know. And I'm going to miss you more than either of us could have imagined. Stay safe. I love you.

Today is judgement day...

• Good song. No that’s not it’s title, but it’s still good. I like songs that are almost ridiculously long, and have a story to them. Like they tell a full on story…kinda. I still need money for iTunes… so much music needs to be added to my iPhone… it’s sad how much I listen to that isn’t on there. Oh well. It’ll happen, eventually.
• It’s good to be home, even if it is just for the weekend. I’ve missed my mom. Not so much my sisters, but I really missed my mom. And it’s nice to be able to just talk to her without her attention being elsewhere, and seeing her face to face. We got to talk about college and stuff and what I’m going to do after high school, and we’ve been really needing to set out a definite plan for awhile. So that was good. And we got to just talk about what’s been going on. We’re getting better at being able to talk to each other. It’s weird, it’s like being apart like we have has brought us closer together. I can talk to her about stuff without feeling like I’m annoying her or something, and she’s getting better at learning how to respond. She used to never be able to tell if I was just venting, or if I really wanted some feedback, or I just needed someone to tell me something positive, or to just go for it or anything like that. So I’m happy we can actually talk to each other now without either of us getting frustrated with the other and then end up in a yelling match.
• My dad is attempting at becoming closer in our relationship, but it’s hard when there’s still things I don’t want to talk to him about. But he’s trying, so that’s progress. I’ll take progress over completely socially awkward Dad any day.
• However I really wish both of my parents would stop smoking. I had kind of given up on really protesting my dad smoking about a year ago, but I still express my disdain for it. However my mom had quit years ago. I was still in elementary school when she quit. But around Christmas Break she started again because of stress, or at least that’s what she uses as justification for it. I’m really disappointed in her about it though. And I’m pretty vocal about it. I really wish they would both quit…
• I’ve discovered it’s harder to tolerate my grandmother when she’s been drinking and around my family. It’s easy to avoid her when it’s just Terry and I with her back home, but when she’s around plenty of other people, she finds more stuff to find fault with. And it’s harder to ignore her then. It’s really quite frustrating. Tomorrow should be fun with Dee and Tony here, two more people for her to squawk at… But i am looking forward to seeing them. Tony is always a ball to be around. And he’s so well versed in theatre, it’s fabulous. So I’ll just stick to his side tomorrow.
• I got about four outlines for Gov’t finished today. I’m proud. And exhausted.
• My grandmother’s dogs are staying with me because the hotel my grandparents are staying at doesn’t allow dogs. And my grandmother had already given them their treat for the night around eight o’clock when she left, and she told me so; but when I came back into my room around twenty minutes ago, they both started acting like I was going to give them a treat! I laughed telling them they couldn’t fool me because I already knew they’d be given their snacks. It’s was quite humorous.
• And everybody else, everybody else, everybody else, everybody, everybody’s doing it.

I'm obsessive complusive when it comes to packing...

• I’m only gone for the weekend, and I’m taking forever to finally pack. It doesn’t help that I pretty much always over pack, no matter what. I’ll take a week’s worth of clothes just so I can have options. I should fix that…
• It’s been a long day. And I’m tired. I would just crawl into bed, but I have to finish packing. And write my response to my essay… Ugh.
• This weekend is three days. Yay. I have to read, and write a revision of my essay by Monday evening. I also have to write outlines for fifteen essays, two of whichI get to write in a fifty minute time period on Tuesday. And I have to actually learn the material on the test I have in Statistics on Thursday. And bond with my family, including my Godparents and my dad’s friends, and especially with my brother who leaves on Monday. The yay no longer applies.
• I like having something to read that just will never cease to make me happy/smile. It’s a good pickmeup every now and then.
• I also am thoroughly amused by the fact that almost no one in “Sugar” knew the songs in Act II and I got to sing them all today. That was quite amusing, and fun.
• I just realized how redundant that last sentence was. That’s what I get for writing like this. I also just realized how short some of these bullets are. Hmm. Oh well.
• My grandmother has reached her quota of drinks for the night. I’m upstairs in the office, listening to music, and I can still hear her downstairs in her intoxicated state of mind. Lovely.
• It’s really cold up here.
• And I need to write my friend another letter, but they wont get it until after the weekend. Maybe I’ll just write it Monday and send it out Tuesday. Maybe.
• I like the whole writing in bullets thing, it helps me keep track of my thoughts and their directions.
• No revelations about myself tonight. I think I’m too tired to really think of anything interesting about myself to analyze tonight.
• I just remembered a few people who definitely made my day today. Leah Burnett is the sweetest thing, so I love it when I receive compliments from her. Definitely makes me happy on the inside. And a friend of mine in Dance Rep told me of how she randomly thought of me this morning, and told me she that she just knows that I’ll “be one the red carpet one day” because of my perseverance and how I never give up. Definitely made me smile. And Brady and Cameron… Need I say more? Those two definitely made me laugh and smile today. :)
• My grandparents just called me downstairs to talk to me. They just wanted to tell me how much they love me, and how proud of me they are. And how they know I’ll succeed in what I want to do. And just a lot of really sweet things, out of nowhere mind you, that really made me happy. I feel slightly bad about what I said about my grandmother earlier… But it was a sweet gesture just the same. I love it when they do that. Terry was so cute, he thought I stay upstairs all the time because I always think he’s mad at me because he never really says anything. But really I’m just a teenager and like my alone time. And I’m just like him in that aspect, I like keeping to myself sometimes, and not doing anything or talking to anyone. So it was sweet that he went out of his way to make sure I knew he loves me and doesn’t ignore me, he just likes his alone time. I love that man.
• Overall, today was long and tiring, but a good day. Weekend from Hell, bring it on.

Just for you Cameron:

I love the pettiness involved in this class. Cameron, a) no one is forcing you to read these b) my comments were directed towards Brady. Not you. Incase that distinction wasn't clear enough for you. And I'm not sorry that you disagree. And I'm not saying Brady is wrong, I was saying that it is annoying the way religion is his ultimate answer for almost everything in AP Lit. And if he is allowed to express his belief of that, then I'm almost positive that I'm allowed to express my belief that that is not the answer for everything. And it's my blog, I'm allowed to express my opinion how I wish. I'm just trying to bring something new to the table my friend. Just figured I'd clear that up for you.

"Shake It, Don't Break It" is harder than I thought....

• I’ve noticed that I’ve been going back and forth between writing something “insightful” (or meaningful really), and just writing about my day. I’m still not sure how I feel about this.
• Also, I’ve noticed that I sound really bi-polar in my posts. I’ll say I like something in one, and then say the opposite in the next. But that’s just because I’m trying to keep up with my goal of just writing in a “stream of consciousness” manner. And not planning out what I’m going to say, so my opinion of the topic will change from day to day obviously. I’m trying to become more open and honest, and willing to be more personable, and not so cold or detached. I feel this kind of writing helps.
• I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in the past four years in growing as a person. To me it seems like I’ve made a lot of changes in the right direction since Freshmen year. Obviously I would change, but I’m proud of the fact that I’ve headed in the right direction. However I experienced a relapse of frustration today. I realized I still get frustrated very easily, and the instant I feel offended or insulted I go into defense mode, and become hostile. Not as hostile as I used to get, which is progress, but I still jump the gun a bit. It’s a part of who I am though. I’ve grown to become accustomed to being this way. But after having such an excellent day yesterday, I noticed what a huge difference in character I had. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but it does in my head.
• I’ve also noticed I’m more mellow and happy around certain people. I’m less likely to jump the gun with them. Mostly because they don’t frustrate me to the point of becoming hostile…
• I’m trying to be a happier person, I used to be extremely negative, and it didn’t get me anywhere. And by happier, I also mean more positive. And it’s hard. Sometimes I get frustrated and just need a hug. Like today.
• Jukebox the Ghost just gave me new insight to something. Lately I’ve been completely addicted to their music, and “Hold It In” has seemed to apply especially to me very recently. And I thought I got it all off my chest and I felt fantastic about it yesterday, but now I still feel the need to get something off my chest. Or really, I feel like something is off, or wrong now… not because I opened up for once, but just off. I’m missing something. I used to have this feeling all the time quite awhile ago, but I haven’t felt this way in over a year. But I don’t know what’s missing. And that’s the perfect way to explain how I feel, like there is a piece of me missing, or gone, I’m not yet whole or complete. And I can’t figure out what the heck to do with this feeling. The uncertainty of it all is what caught my attention to this feeling in the first place…
• I just had another revelation about myself. This blog in particular is filled with the presence of uncertainty. I don’t like it. I never have. I hate uncertainty. I want everything to be precise, exact, perfect, etc. But uncertainty is a part of life. Right? Can we change the presence of uncertainty? Doesn’t that take the fun out of living? You’re not really living, in my opinion, if you’re certain of everything. Then you are just being. I don’t want to just be, but I still hate uncertainty. I wonder why that is… You’ll be the first to know when I gain new insight upon myself and find out.
• I’m still stuck on the feeling that something is missing. I really wish I knew what it was. It’s really starting to gnaw at me now…
• I wish I could just talk to people about certain things, without feeling like an idiot. In reality, I feel like an idiot because I question everything I do really, because I hate uncertainty. (See the connections I’m making? It’s like AP Lit; there’s a grand narrative here folks. And I now need to go wash my mouth out with soap for saying that phrase…) I really do question everything I say though. I wonder what people think of me. Except for when I’m just sitting and observing everything. I try really hard to impress certain people because for some reason or another I feel the need to gain their approval. Why?
• I am convinced that my mind is wired differently than most people’s. I say this because I see things different than how everyone else sees it. I watch. I’m an observer. If there was a room full of people dancing, and I was just standing there watching them, that’s dancing to me. That’s me dancing. I see it differently. Julia may see it as me standing there, but I see it as a part of a dance. I create stories behind everything. Not just about what I do, but I’ll see something, and if it intrigues me, I’ll get an idea about it, and run with it. Thus creating a story. It’s weird, I think.
• I’m not getting very far in my goal to raise my self-esteem…
• And I’ve yet to figure out why I feel like I’m missing something in my life right now…

I'm disgruntled...

So I'm going to blog about it. Just because you're Christian does not mean that you automatically will not cuss. It's a matter of YOUR moral standards, not what religion you are. There are plenty people who claim to be Christian and still curse. I know a Mormon girl who thinks cursing is vulgar and refuses to do so, and another Mormon girl who curses just the same. Same thing if you were Christian, Catholic, Atheist, Buddhist, or Jewish orthodox. Being a "Christian" may INFLUENCE your decision to not curse, but you cannot use it as the reasoning for why EVERYONE chooses to refrain from cussing. What do you use as justification for someone of a different faith or lack thereof? So stop shoving your religion and justifications for it into our class discussions. Respect the people's right to choose and shut up. I'm looking at you Brady, I'm looking at you.

I'm chatting with the tech support guy... he's pretty nice.

With a new phone comes new issues. My wifi is still wigging out, so tech support is having me back up all of my stuff on my phone to my laptop. Here's the issue, my laptop is a dinosaur and takes ten years to start up. So I'm alternating between sitting in awkward silence and typing this blog, and chit-chatting with tech support about where he's located, how slow my computer is, how it was insanely cold for Arizona today... blah blah blah. And then he says, "I can give you your case number and you can call back at a more convenient time and then whoever receives the call can pick up right where we left off, if that works..?" My response? "Oh goodness yes! I have class in the morning and really didn't want to be here till ten o'clock at night." So I've got my case number, and my dinosaur of a computer on... And now I don't need it. But that's okay because now I can get in the shower and pick up right where I left off, tomorrow. Win! :)

Apparently I have a bigger audience than anticipated...

Well since I realized that this has become a bit of a diary, I realized how annoying I find that. Because well, more people read this than I was aware of. (See what good gossipy information can do for you and your blog?) If I were however many of you that read this (See now I have no clue as to who reads this…) I’d be annoyed at my posting of my day. And now that my one slightly interesting aspect of my life has been dealt with, I have nothing insightful to write. But oh wait! Here’s Lundy with a wonderful question: “What’s your thoughts on friends? Distinguishing between acquaintances, best friends, and stuff.” Thank you Lundy for saving my blog. However what I’m about to say has nothing to do with that. Well, if you thought about it in a disconnected sort of way, like how I do with everything, then it would be related, kind of. Not to put Calvin on the spot (again), but yeah, I’m using you for a piece of my blog… again.

When we try to be nice to people, how much of what we say is really true? How many of the compliments that you give, are heartfelt? Have you actually thought about what you’re complimenting them on, or did you have to stop and think, and “come up” with these things you are saying to them? Now not to discredit the incredibly nice things Calvin said, I don’t want everyone thinking that, but it just made me think. How often have you thought, “What an incredibly swell example of a decent human being” and then proceeded to inform that person of what you thought? I try to do that; granted, it’s petty things like “I really love that color on you” or “Leah Burnett you’re so adorable”, but I immediately think it, and then say it. It’s not manufactured. Now I don’t do this as often as I should, but I’m going to make it my goal to do so on a daily basis. You should too. Just because. What I say doesn’t really matter, and there’s no way for me to know if you do this or not, and even if I did, I can’t enforce it or punish you or anything like that. But what’s that whip cream commercial? Spread a little love. And the way that this statement relates to the “definition of a friend” bit is; what would a “real” (real by your definition) friend say to you? Calvin, I’m not going to lie, I’m not use to people being that nice to me outright. Not to say, “Woe is me, no one is nice to me.” But I have just never noticed someone going out of their way to be that decent to me. Completely exceeded my expectations. So here’s my question for all of you, what does a real friend say? Sometimes, we all have the incapability of realizing the best in ourselves, or even believing someone when they point them out. That’s probably one of my biggest flaws, is not realizing my abilities, and not believing someone when they tell me. I scoff and think they’re just being polite, and I put little merit to what they’re saying. This goes with me trying to build a better self-esteem for myself. I may sound conceited in the process, but I still doubt enough people read this to judge me greatly enough for me to stop doing this.

Now to answer Lundy’s question. I used to have this issue, I had a new “best friend” every year for about three or four years. Now best friend is in quotes because at the time that’s what I considered them, but looking back now, I’m not so sure and need to reevaluate what I would consider a best friend. I would grow (what I thought was) really close to someone, spend my time with them constantly, but then the cards didn’t work in our favor and we fell out of that deep friendship within a year. This happened consistently from about seventh grade till maybe junior year. So roughly a little more than four years, because it happened to me again this year. I can’t seem to find a “life friend”, someone who can tolerate me for more than a year. For me, a best friend is someone who can just listen to me, and offer good support. Someone who can teach me new things, offer new insights to certain situations, and keep me from becoming the out-of-control anger freak I’ve been known to be. Michael was a great friend for the longest time, even though I called him a bad friend. And I only say “was a great friend” because even though he’s still an amazing and huge part of my life, I’ve learned to live with the space between us. He made me humble, and gave me more credit than I deserved, and just made me want to be a better person. I changed much of who I was because of him. Granted I was in-love with him for the better part of two or three years, but those feelings grew out of our friendship and of how he made me feel not only about myself, but about the world around me, and who I really was as a human being and a contributor to society. And to me, that’s what a best friend is. But that’s just for me personally, and who I need around me to keep me from going insane. In all honesty, I don’t know if I can really define what I think a best friend, acquaintance, etc is. For me, personally, I kind of have no idea. At one point or another everyone blends together and becomes a very important part of my life. On a side note: I mentioned how I’ve come to live with the space between Michael and I now. It’s another thing he’s taught me, inadvertently of course. I used to constantly reject change, and I’d work so hard to keep the status quo and make sure things stayed the way they were, because I was afraid of it. If someone liked me as a person, for who I was, then I didn’t want that to change and have them suddenly hate me. But in the process of trying to preserve the way things were, I came across as pushy, in your face, and a jerk. I got a horrible reputation for it. Yes, embrace who you are. But if you don’t like who you are, then chances are no one else will. Like you for you, and if you don’t, change it so you do like yourself. Confidence can do wonders for your health. Wonders. The times, they are a’changing. And the people are changing with them. So embrace it, and adapt for yourself accordingly.

Who actually reads this?

I just got a huge boost of confidence from Lundy. So I’m going to do something brash before I can think about it. Calvin, I like you. A lot. Just read my blog. I’ll probably regret this decision of posting this here in about 20 seconds. But hey. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. And I promise not to be the most awkward person you’ve ever met, or turn into a forever heartbroken sophomore who goes insane, when you call me crazy/weird/a total freak. Either way, I’d like to still be friends. If that’s what we are. Or acquaintances if that’s what we are. Or two random people with two classes together and a few of the same friends. Whatever works. But I just had to get that out there. Do with it what you will.

I have no witty or insightful title for you today...

I had a fabulous lunch today. But now I’m full and really don’t want to eat dinner. However my grandmother is under the impression that she is going to force me to eat. Yeah good luck with that. If I get hungry in the middle of the night, I have a whole pound of See’s candy in my room, I’m all set.

I’m writing in bullets tonight… as to not confuse the two people who may or may not actually read these because I’m writing the first things that pop into my head… I may just change it to paragraph form before posting just because.

I need to tell him. I was half tempted to immediately put: “I find blankity blank blank attractive and I want to just- do things far too innappropiate to put on here”. Not really. But would it be weird to say, “I kind of just want to be constantly surrounded by him because he makes me happy”? I feel like that would sound weird. I just want to hug him. Constantly. Yeah, I sound like an idiot. But that’s how I feel, like to be constantly around him will bring me a little peace. I feel so on edge and jumpy and nervous right now. I sound crazy….

I would just like to remind everyone in “Sugar” who are not the six characters that are really the only ones who are needed in the show, that there are plenty of people who would love to be you right now. Be grateful, and humble, we had the weekend to bitch about how we feel about the cast, and now we have work to do. Move on my friends. We all have to live with it. So just live with it.

And that sounded quite a bit more bitchy than I planned on it sounding… I need to work on being nicer, or sounding nicer. I like to think I have good intentions, but they don’t always seem to come out that way. Yay.

I need friends. Because I like to think I’m the girl someone can go to, or pow-wow with about their life, but I’m not. I go running to Michael (and recently Georgia) to just dump everything on them, which is so lame of me. I need to learn to keep some stuff about my life to myself, I’m sure they don’t care. And I would be annoyed with me if I were them… And I like talking to people, but I feel bad just going, “Hey I’m going to just talk at you now and wait for a response, and if I don’t like said response then I’m going to be dissappointed with you.” Because my oppinion matters….

I’ve come to realize that I have a horrible self-esteem. Cool. I should work on that… I guess. Maybe. I have no idea.

I wish there was just one person that I could tell EVERYTHING to. I used to tell Michael almost anything… but I still haven’t told him everything. And like I said, I feel awful just dumping all of my thoughts, feelings, and issues into his lap and expecting him to deal with it for me. And sometimes, I just look at him after I’ve dumped another issue on him, and he just looks so forlorn, I feel terrible.

My phone is wigging out with the wifi. It’s frustrating and depressing all at once.

Sometimes, I’ll be feeling/thinking about something, but I’ll have no idea how to put it into words. They say actions speak louder than words, but this isn’t the movies, and I can’t just do what I want to do to express myself. I’m feeling like that right now. (Interpret that however you wish) Maybe screaming would help… I just belted the whole show, and that seemed to help a little, but I feel like there’s more I need to let out.

This has become my diary apparently. I’m horrible at keeping diaries, but I like this. I’m sorry if that upsets people (all two of you), but hey, I feel better after writing these… sometimes.

And my friend just inadvertently gave me a lightbulb of insight upon myself: I am terrified of being vulnerable. TERRIFIED. My biggest fear in life? (I can’t believe I’m about to share this, but hey, it’s cathartic) That someone I love and/or care deeply about will see me completely as I am, as wholly as anyone has ever seen me, and take one look and say, “You miserable excuse for a human being, you disgust me.” And walk out of my life forever. In short? Rejection? Abandonment? Something… Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid to just go up to him and say, ”Hey, I like you. Quite a bit. Just read my blog, you’ll see. And I really hope you don’t think I’m a freak/creep/both.”

And now that’s out for the world to know. Use it as you wish I suppose…

I’m also a chicken.

She's got a secret and she wants to tell....

Why do we feel this constant need to keep our (possibly) unrequited love a secret? Why can’t I just go up to him and say, “I find you attractive. For several reasons. Now I can either walk away and leave it at that, or stay here, list said reasons, and wait for your response. Which would you prefer?” Why does every cell in my body tremble at the thought of doing that? Why am I so scared to just be honest? Because he could say “Well I don’t feel the same and your love is unrequited.” Life would go on. He may think I’m a little weird, and maybe jumping the gun, but I should be able to live with that. Right? In theory I should be able to live with it. I mean I’m not even this nervous for auditions! Or callbacks! I’m as cool as a cucumber. No shaking, sweaty palms, or shortness of breath. And yet every time I think about confronting him about this, I can’t think, my mind goes blank. The next thing I remember is thinking, “Holy crap. What am I going to do?” Here’s my issue, when I like someone, I like them alot. I don’t just do the “Aw he’s pretty cute. Ohh and he’s hot.” No. I like a person all the way. I analyze how they speak, what they say, what they believe in, what really attracts me to them, etc. It sounds creepy/crazy, but I observe them in typical situations and see how they respond, and it’s typically how they think and act and their interactions with the people around them that draws me to them. With the one exception of any relatively attractive male successfully seranading me with ”Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera, yeah that’s all you have to do to make me swoon. And this guy, it’s his sense of assuredness (yes I just made that up) about him. And his intelligence. For once I’ve found a relatively smart guy, who’s attractive if I do say so myself, and pretty dang talented. He makes me think. And question everything I’m going to say before I say it. I have had to reevaluate myself, and accept who I am all at once. Anyway, and what if he said, “Well, hey. I kind of like you too. Wanna try and make this work?” That’d be awesome. Seriously, what is THE worst that can happen? He says I’m a freak, spits in my face and knocks my books out of my hands. In response I punch him in the face and knee him in the nuts. I think I could handle that. Now mind you, that is the most extreme of extremes. Okay, I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him…. Eventually. When? I should really set a date to actually do so, or I never will… Can I just bypass this anxious teenage girl phase and just get the point where we fall in love and grow old together? That’d be cool.

Life is, “Ohmygod if I tell him, he’ll tell her, and then she will know I like her.” But good grief I don’t think that I can take this heartbreak any longer. I will not hold it in. -Jukebox the Ghost: Hold It In.

Ice Cream, he brought me ice cream, vanilla ice cream, imagine that!

I feel like total crap. I think I'm being punished for not going to my school's winter formal this evening. I really wanted to go, it's a masquerade, how could I not go? But I didn't have a date, or a group to go with. Although I did have a dress and a mask. But I chose not to go just the same. There's always Prom. Anyway, but the reason I think I'm being punished is because I feel completely awful. I have a massive migraine, a horrible cough, and everytime I cough my migraine gets worse. I also am completely overheated and feel like my whole body is on fire, except for my toes which are frozen solid right now. And my hands variate from ice cold to luke-warm and clammy. Also, I've hardly eaten anything all day and yet I still feel like im going to puke at any second... And my lips are totally chapped, but I can't find my chapstick. The worst part about all of this though? I have school and reahearsal on Monday. I really hope I can get over this by then. I really do. So who wants to bring me some chocolate ice cream?

I was thinking to myself; this could be Heaven, and this could be Hell...

-The Eagles.

Have you ever prepared yourself for something for a long time? A moment that "your whole life leads up to"? A moment that "will grow to define you"? I feel like I may have had one of those today. But it didn't happen like you think it would, like the movie say it will. It just happened. And I have been dreaming about the perfect moment and what I would do during it, how I would possibly forever change myself and the world around me. But, at the last second I chickened out. I suddenly felt that the time was not perfect. But I doubt that I can wait forever, so I just need to strategically make the perfect moment myself. I can already envision plenty of opportunities to make it happen, I just need to build everything strategically up to that. Make sure everything is in place, where I need it to be. I can make if my Heaven, an succeed in my goal, and hopefully make my happy ending, or with one wrong move, I can make it my Hell and ruin it all. But that's the chance I'll have to take if I really want this. And I do, for both of our sakes.  

A Private Challenge:

Today I was confronted with a very uncomfortable task: get in touch with myself through dance… in front of the whole class. Granted, everyone else was doing the same thing at the same time, but I just, I don’t do that. Not in front of people at least. I do that in my room, alone, with the door closed, where no one can see me. There I experiment with dance and see what works and what doesn’t. Then, when I pretty much perfect it, I’ll show people. But not before. I understand the purpose of letting go and just being you, but I don’t do that. I CAN’T do that. Everything I say and do is practiced, refined, rehearsed. I rarely say everything that I want to say. I practice what I want to share with the world before I share it. That doesn’t make it less true or honest, it just means that I am showing what I want the world to see, and keeping what is strictly private, private. So I’m not about to dance my soul away for the whole class to see. I don’t want them seeing everything that is me, they won’t like it. Hell, I don’t like it. For reasons that are private. And I’m not about to share them here.