Pestering my own self...

I had a dream last night. You were in it. This has the potential of becoming incredibly awkward, but a) I don’t care. b) I’m not singling anyone out. So there. It was… interesting. Kind of a look at what life would be like for the next two months if things had turned out differently. If things were to turn out differently. You asked me to tell you my life story, I was thinking about the movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before I went to bed and my favorite line in that movie is, “Now sit back. Relax. Enjoy your brandy. And tell me your life story.” It was intriguing, and a bit cathartic. Weird. But kind of nice all at the same time.

Idea: Don’t apologize for anything. I over apologize. I really think I do.

New Idea: Scratch the previous idea. It’s a bad one. But I need to stop degrading myself and apologizing for crap that doesn’t matter. I don’t need to apologize for pestering people or speaking a certain way when I am the only one with that perception of my behavior. If I annoy the life out of them, they can grow a pair and tell me. I’m not going to read your mind. I am how I am. Not what I am, I know I am a human being. I am a woman. It’s surprisingly difficult to change either of those things actually. But I am how I am. I am feisty. I am hypocritical. I am rude. I am mean. I am nice. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am sweet. I am short-tempered. I am understanding. I am caring. I am empathetic. I am sympathetic. I am aggressive. These, and more are all true to the max. And I am not going to continuously apologize for any of these behaviors unnecessarily. I need to learn to trust myself first. That has been my biggest issue for the past ten years and then some. I have found that I have issues trusting others. So I figured I could only trust myself. Fine. Stereotypical teenage girl. I can live with that label for a short amount of time. About a minute later and I begin to resent it, and therefore try to rid myself of it. I pretend to trust others. But the key to changing things is not to pretend to change, but to actually change. So I chose a new route; don’t care about other people’s opinions or their labels of you. That worked well for a long time. Until I actually started to like some of my peers, and I discovered I have this intense craving to be accepted and fit in. So we’re back to the stereotypical teenager drama. Back to the drawing boards as it were. So I tried a novel idea; be a stereotypical teenager. Enjoy it. Don’t fight it. It’s life. That one worked wonders. And then a new question was raised; What if you can’t even trust yourself? What then? And that terrified me. I thought, “Oh my God. I can’t trust myself. I don’t make good choices. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself now?” I hate admitting to being dependent on others, however I desperately want to have that one person there to just let me collapse on them physically, emotionally, and mentally. But I don’t want to have to tell them/ask them to be there. I just want them to be there. And I’ve fooled myself into thinking there’s at least two people I can look to for that. In all reality it’s not true at all. They both have their own lives that do not constantly coincide with mine. And I most definitely do not want to take that from them. But now I’m stuck. What do I do if I feel I cannot even trust myself? Now I’m just sitting here thinking about what an obnoxious whiny teenager I am being right now. Fuck that. I hate that shit. I don’t want to be that shit. I’ve reached no new resolution, or just solution in general. But I need to go drive myself insane thinking about this on my own for a little bit…