Why do we feel this constant need to keep our (possibly) unrequited love a secret? Why can’t I just go up to him and say, “I find you attractive. For several reasons. Now I can either walk away and leave it at that, or stay here, list said reasons, and wait for your response. Which would you prefer?” Why does every cell in my body tremble at the thought of doing that? Why am I so scared to just be honest? Because he could say “Well I don’t feel the same and your love is unrequited.” Life would go on. He may think I’m a little weird, and maybe jumping the gun, but I should be able to live with that. Right? In theory I should be able to live with it. I mean I’m not even this nervous for auditions! Or callbacks! I’m as cool as a cucumber. No shaking, sweaty palms, or shortness of breath. And yet every time I think about confronting him about this, I can’t think, my mind goes blank. The next thing I remember is thinking, “Holy crap. What am I going to do?” Here’s my issue, when I like someone, I like them alot. I don’t just do the “Aw he’s pretty cute. Ohh and he’s hot.” No. I like a person all the way. I analyze how they speak, what they say, what they believe in, what really attracts me to them, etc. It sounds creepy/crazy, but I observe them in typical situations and see how they respond, and it’s typically how they think and act and their interactions with the people around them that draws me to them. With the one exception of any relatively attractive male successfully seranading me with ”Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera, yeah that’s all you have to do to make me swoon. And this guy, it’s his sense of assuredness (yes I just made that up) about him. And his intelligence. For once I’ve found a relatively smart guy, who’s attractive if I do say so myself, and pretty dang talented. He makes me think. And question everything I’m going to say before I say it. I have had to reevaluate myself, and accept who I am all at once. Anyway, and what if he said, “Well, hey. I kind of like you too. Wanna try and make this work?” That’d be awesome. Seriously, what is THE worst that can happen? He says I’m a freak, spits in my face and knocks my books out of my hands. In response I punch him in the face and knee him in the nuts. I think I could handle that. Now mind you, that is the most extreme of extremes. Okay, I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him…. Eventually. When? I should really set a date to actually do so, or I never will… Can I just bypass this anxious teenage girl phase and just get the point where we fall in love and grow old together? That’d be cool.
Life is, “Ohmygod if I tell him, he’ll tell her, and then she will know I like her.” But good grief I don’t think that I can take this heartbreak any longer. I will not hold it in. -Jukebox the Ghost: Hold It In.
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