Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?

I noticed something today: With this whole positivity kick I’m on, I have less to say. If I have something bad to write about, or complain about, or anything negative that I have an opinion on, then I have a ton of stuff to say about it. But if I’m focusing on only the good in my life, then I seem to have less to say/write about. Why is that? Maybe I’m just really boring, and I whine and bitch about things to make myself seem more interesting. I can think of at least two people who wouldn’t hesitate to agree with me. But ok, so I talk less, I can think of at least twenty people who wouldn’t hesitate to agree with that. Ha. I’ll have to think on this some more. Maybe I just don’t realize all of the good things in my life. Or I don’t feel comfortable just blabbing about how great my life is. I don’t feel comfortable just blabbing about my life in general with certain people listening/reading.

I care far too much about what other people think. I really do. And I keep saying how I’ll stop doing that, but then as soon as I get to school or start socializing with others, I start worrying about others opinions of me. I realize it’s good to care about other people’s opinions to an extent, however I think I care a little too much. At least when it comes to certain people’s opinions. There is a vast majority of people whose opinions/statements I take with a grain of salt, however there are a few that I care about more than I should. I think. And I don’t know why, but my brain is just wired that way. But I can’t just keep saying that and using it as an excuse, I have to really sit down (one of these days) and reevaluate who I am. I’m leaving for college this summer, and starting college in a completely new city will be the perfect opportunity for me to recreate my image if need be. I know I want to be more outgoing right from the get go. No shy, unsure Megan who doesn’t think she is good enough for the job. There is so much I could have done these past four years in high school that I missed out on because I had this constant thought of, “No, I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if they want me to do it. Someone else will do it.” And on many occasions I sat back and faded into the wallpaper. I had the horrible habit of waiting for opportunities to drop into my lap, (and other than my freshman year, thanks to Chris) they never did. Especially in theatre. And it really wasn’t until this year that I decided, “Heck no. I am not missing out on a single thing.” Last year was a perfect example, I didn’t get the student director position for The Nerd (through my own fault), so I didn’t even crew it. I just sat back and saw the show a few times. And man, oh man, do I regret that decision. I decided to pout instead of becoming active and involving myself. Whereas this year I didn’t just crew And Then There Were None, I went to K before the crew slips were sent out, and asked her directly if there was anything she wanted me to do. And I got what I considered to be the most fun job in the show. And with The Odd Couple, I definitely wanted to be a part of that, so I learned how to do lights and brought props and everything for the show. And it was a blast. And now, with Sugar, not only do I know every word to every song, but I’m in the ensemble, which is tons of fun, I’m also working on all of the terms needed for the glossary, and I may end up helping Rigby with costumes because there seems to be a shortage of girls who want to help. So I’m all over this show, and it’s absolutely fabulous. I’m going to be this Megan next year at Moorpark for sure. I’m not going to slip back into my old ways, and start all over again, no way. And I’ve also learned that knowing the shows you’re auditioning for help a ton. I have learned so much through being completely obsessive about the upcoming shows and insisting on knowing everything there is to know about them. I’m a total freak when it comes to shows, but it’s kind of fun. For Anything Goes, I learned all of the music and the characters relationships, all from just listening to the music over and over, and doing a tad bit of research on Wikipedia. With And Then There Were None, I bought the play and read it I don’t know how many times over the summer and spoke in a British accent to the point of my family losing their sanity. I knew that show so well that by the time auditions rolled around, I already had predicted what pieces K was going to use for everyone to audition with. And I was right. And it was so much fun. Same thing with Sugar. I knew all of the music about a month or so in advance. Which is extremely fun now watching Austin struggle through the Act II pieces whilst I sing along the whole time. Until K finally said, “Stop it. He needs to learn the hard way. Don’t help him.” So I laughed and sang along in my head. It’s a joy, theatre is, that I will never stop loving. I’m constantly learning and growing, and I can’t get enough.

So I guess I do have a lot to say about something positive, as long as that something is theatre…

And by the way, this is almost as long as our essays in AP Lit have to be. That’s fabulous. :)