"Shake It, Don't Break It" is harder than I thought....

• I’ve noticed that I’ve been going back and forth between writing something “insightful” (or meaningful really), and just writing about my day. I’m still not sure how I feel about this.
• Also, I’ve noticed that I sound really bi-polar in my posts. I’ll say I like something in one, and then say the opposite in the next. But that’s just because I’m trying to keep up with my goal of just writing in a “stream of consciousness” manner. And not planning out what I’m going to say, so my opinion of the topic will change from day to day obviously. I’m trying to become more open and honest, and willing to be more personable, and not so cold or detached. I feel this kind of writing helps.
• I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in the past four years in growing as a person. To me it seems like I’ve made a lot of changes in the right direction since Freshmen year. Obviously I would change, but I’m proud of the fact that I’ve headed in the right direction. However I experienced a relapse of frustration today. I realized I still get frustrated very easily, and the instant I feel offended or insulted I go into defense mode, and become hostile. Not as hostile as I used to get, which is progress, but I still jump the gun a bit. It’s a part of who I am though. I’ve grown to become accustomed to being this way. But after having such an excellent day yesterday, I noticed what a huge difference in character I had. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but it does in my head.
• I’ve also noticed I’m more mellow and happy around certain people. I’m less likely to jump the gun with them. Mostly because they don’t frustrate me to the point of becoming hostile…
• I’m trying to be a happier person, I used to be extremely negative, and it didn’t get me anywhere. And by happier, I also mean more positive. And it’s hard. Sometimes I get frustrated and just need a hug. Like today.
• Jukebox the Ghost just gave me new insight to something. Lately I’ve been completely addicted to their music, and “Hold It In” has seemed to apply especially to me very recently. And I thought I got it all off my chest and I felt fantastic about it yesterday, but now I still feel the need to get something off my chest. Or really, I feel like something is off, or wrong now… not because I opened up for once, but just off. I’m missing something. I used to have this feeling all the time quite awhile ago, but I haven’t felt this way in over a year. But I don’t know what’s missing. And that’s the perfect way to explain how I feel, like there is a piece of me missing, or gone, I’m not yet whole or complete. And I can’t figure out what the heck to do with this feeling. The uncertainty of it all is what caught my attention to this feeling in the first place…
• I just had another revelation about myself. This blog in particular is filled with the presence of uncertainty. I don’t like it. I never have. I hate uncertainty. I want everything to be precise, exact, perfect, etc. But uncertainty is a part of life. Right? Can we change the presence of uncertainty? Doesn’t that take the fun out of living? You’re not really living, in my opinion, if you’re certain of everything. Then you are just being. I don’t want to just be, but I still hate uncertainty. I wonder why that is… You’ll be the first to know when I gain new insight upon myself and find out.
• I’m still stuck on the feeling that something is missing. I really wish I knew what it was. It’s really starting to gnaw at me now…
• I wish I could just talk to people about certain things, without feeling like an idiot. In reality, I feel like an idiot because I question everything I do really, because I hate uncertainty. (See the connections I’m making? It’s like AP Lit; there’s a grand narrative here folks. And I now need to go wash my mouth out with soap for saying that phrase…) I really do question everything I say though. I wonder what people think of me. Except for when I’m just sitting and observing everything. I try really hard to impress certain people because for some reason or another I feel the need to gain their approval. Why?
• I am convinced that my mind is wired differently than most people’s. I say this because I see things different than how everyone else sees it. I watch. I’m an observer. If there was a room full of people dancing, and I was just standing there watching them, that’s dancing to me. That’s me dancing. I see it differently. Julia may see it as me standing there, but I see it as a part of a dance. I create stories behind everything. Not just about what I do, but I’ll see something, and if it intrigues me, I’ll get an idea about it, and run with it. Thus creating a story. It’s weird, I think.
• I’m not getting very far in my goal to raise my self-esteem…
• And I’ve yet to figure out why I feel like I’m missing something in my life right now…