I have no witty or insightful title for you today...

I had a fabulous lunch today. But now I’m full and really don’t want to eat dinner. However my grandmother is under the impression that she is going to force me to eat. Yeah good luck with that. If I get hungry in the middle of the night, I have a whole pound of See’s candy in my room, I’m all set.

I’m writing in bullets tonight… as to not confuse the two people who may or may not actually read these because I’m writing the first things that pop into my head… I may just change it to paragraph form before posting just because.

I need to tell him. I was half tempted to immediately put: “I find blankity blank blank attractive and I want to just- do things far too innappropiate to put on here”. Not really. But would it be weird to say, “I kind of just want to be constantly surrounded by him because he makes me happy”? I feel like that would sound weird. I just want to hug him. Constantly. Yeah, I sound like an idiot. But that’s how I feel, like to be constantly around him will bring me a little peace. I feel so on edge and jumpy and nervous right now. I sound crazy….

I would just like to remind everyone in “Sugar” who are not the six characters that are really the only ones who are needed in the show, that there are plenty of people who would love to be you right now. Be grateful, and humble, we had the weekend to bitch about how we feel about the cast, and now we have work to do. Move on my friends. We all have to live with it. So just live with it.

And that sounded quite a bit more bitchy than I planned on it sounding… I need to work on being nicer, or sounding nicer. I like to think I have good intentions, but they don’t always seem to come out that way. Yay.

I need friends. Because I like to think I’m the girl someone can go to, or pow-wow with about their life, but I’m not. I go running to Michael (and recently Georgia) to just dump everything on them, which is so lame of me. I need to learn to keep some stuff about my life to myself, I’m sure they don’t care. And I would be annoyed with me if I were them… And I like talking to people, but I feel bad just going, “Hey I’m going to just talk at you now and wait for a response, and if I don’t like said response then I’m going to be dissappointed with you.” Because my oppinion matters….

I’ve come to realize that I have a horrible self-esteem. Cool. I should work on that… I guess. Maybe. I have no idea.

I wish there was just one person that I could tell EVERYTHING to. I used to tell Michael almost anything… but I still haven’t told him everything. And like I said, I feel awful just dumping all of my thoughts, feelings, and issues into his lap and expecting him to deal with it for me. And sometimes, I just look at him after I’ve dumped another issue on him, and he just looks so forlorn, I feel terrible.

My phone is wigging out with the wifi. It’s frustrating and depressing all at once.

Sometimes, I’ll be feeling/thinking about something, but I’ll have no idea how to put it into words. They say actions speak louder than words, but this isn’t the movies, and I can’t just do what I want to do to express myself. I’m feeling like that right now. (Interpret that however you wish) Maybe screaming would help… I just belted the whole show, and that seemed to help a little, but I feel like there’s more I need to let out.

This has become my diary apparently. I’m horrible at keeping diaries, but I like this. I’m sorry if that upsets people (all two of you), but hey, I feel better after writing these… sometimes.

And my friend just inadvertently gave me a lightbulb of insight upon myself: I am terrified of being vulnerable. TERRIFIED. My biggest fear in life? (I can’t believe I’m about to share this, but hey, it’s cathartic) That someone I love and/or care deeply about will see me completely as I am, as wholly as anyone has ever seen me, and take one look and say, “You miserable excuse for a human being, you disgust me.” And walk out of my life forever. In short? Rejection? Abandonment? Something… Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid to just go up to him and say, ”Hey, I like you. Quite a bit. Just read my blog, you’ll see. And I really hope you don’t think I’m a freak/creep/both.”

And now that’s out for the world to know. Use it as you wish I suppose…

I’m also a chicken.