No one ever said it would be this hard...

Just take me back to the start…

• I. Am. So. Bloody. Tired. I feel bad too because I was holding up so well to the stress of everything, and I was being a bit condescending to those who were having like mental breakdowns… and yeah. I’m on the edge. I can feel myself about to just collapse, and something tells me I shouldn’t do that because I wont get back up, and I don’t think there’s anyone around who will catch me/help me back up. And that sounds really whiny and very “Woe is me. I don’t have anyone there for me.” And I hate that. But I’m too exhausted to lie. I want someone to just physically and mentally take care of me and console me and tell me it’s all going to work out and be okay. Someone to just hug me and just be there. I’m sick of my grandmother getting mad about me ranting to her when she asks what’s wrong. I’m sick of her saying, “Just shut up. It’s going to work out. You’re just being stupid and making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not that big of an issue. Stop trying to over-involve yourself in the show to feel important.” My initial response is to tell her to shut the f*ck up and then punch her in the face. I’ve had a lot of pent up stress which turns into anger, which I’ve been needing to physically let go of. Ryan T was my punching bag today because I was just done. And I shouldn’t have done that. And I’m sorry. But I already apologized. And I think he gets that today just wasn’t my day and I took it out on him. So that’s not a big issue.
• As weird as this sounds, chatting with Olson today made me realize how fed up I am with my parents trying to dictate my life outside of their reach. I can’t choose where I apply to/go to for college, I can’t choose what classes I want to take, I can’t choose what I want to do with my life. I’m barred from even getting a haircut until after many hours of debate and tears. And that bugs me to no end. And my parents are under the impression that I can’t handle certain things, so they keep me from doing them. Who are they to say I can’t handle it? So I make a few mistakes, they are MY mistakes. How am I supposed to learn if they wont let me? I think it just got to me more than it normally would have because I’m so frayed at the edges.
• I just… need someone. Someone to lean on. And I don’t think I have that. Which makes me want to cry. Because that’s my fault. That is one mistake that no matter how hard my mother has tried to keep from happening, it’s happened. I just feel so vulnerable and insignificant, and like I said, I just need someone to physically, mentally, and emotionally lean on…
• I really hope I can make it through these next few weeks before I have to start all over again pretty soon…