Wow,

I’ve noticed that I’ve spent a lot of time on here (and just in general) feeling sorry for myself and complaining about how I, and others, have prevented me from achieving my ultimate goals in high school, and how I have prevented myself from achieving a lot of things just in life, or how I don’t have everything I want morally or spiritually or what have you. But here’s the thing; just because my high school career is about to be over in a very short amount of time, it’s not like that’s it. Once high school is over I will never have any chances to do anything ever again. That’s completely false. If anything, going to college is going to be the perfect time to change and start over. And all of these experiences in my life, even those that I am still working through, have shaped and molded me into who I am today. I have learned from a few of my mistakes, and I am still learning from others. And it is not over, there is still much I have left to learn, and I’m ready for it. And as far as not having everything I’ve wanted, like the support of friends, or getting to know certain people better or anything else like that, that’s total crap. I have spent the better part of the last four years getting to know and relate, and build relationships with these people. For some it’s been even longer. It is crazy how long I’ve known some of these people, and how close I’ve gotten to others in such a short amount of time. And I am blessed to know all of them and call them my friends, or even to just be able to say, “Yeah, I went to high school with them. I had English with them my senior year” etc. And I am grateful to know every single one of them, because I guarantee each person I have met/known has taught me something and contributed to making me the person I am today. And that’s truly an amazing thing. And I am so thankful to have had such a wonderful experience in high school, and I’m so prepared to take on whatever adventures come next. :)

Show some decency please...

Okay let’s just set the record straight, wearing uber short miniskirts with stripper heels and a longsleeve shirt that is barely shorter than your skirt in public is just skanky and not respectable at all. However wearing it to church, on Easter Sunday is downright disrespectful. Jeans and a t-shirt with flipflops would have been better than that! I mean really, let’s think about it; a) You can’t be older than fourteen. Go buy some real clothes at the Gap. b) You are going to church. You should already have the idea that ideally people dress a little nicer for church on Sunday, or Saturday, or whenever you go. I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase, “All dressed up in their Sunday clothes”… ringing any bells? c) You are going to church on Easter Sunday. How does that not comply in your mind? The holiest of holy days in the entire year, and that is what you chose to wear? Seriously? My slip is longer than your skirt. Show some decency for the love of the Lord. Literally. And for the record, short skirts with boots and leggings are also not acceptable and just looks like you can’t afford pants that fit you. Leave those at home whenever you go out in public, not just going to church

Pestering my own self...

I had a dream last night. You were in it. This has the potential of becoming incredibly awkward, but a) I don’t care. b) I’m not singling anyone out. So there. It was… interesting. Kind of a look at what life would be like for the next two months if things had turned out differently. If things were to turn out differently. You asked me to tell you my life story, I was thinking about the movie Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before I went to bed and my favorite line in that movie is, “Now sit back. Relax. Enjoy your brandy. And tell me your life story.” It was intriguing, and a bit cathartic. Weird. But kind of nice all at the same time.

Idea: Don’t apologize for anything. I over apologize. I really think I do.

New Idea: Scratch the previous idea. It’s a bad one. But I need to stop degrading myself and apologizing for crap that doesn’t matter. I don’t need to apologize for pestering people or speaking a certain way when I am the only one with that perception of my behavior. If I annoy the life out of them, they can grow a pair and tell me. I’m not going to read your mind. I am how I am. Not what I am, I know I am a human being. I am a woman. It’s surprisingly difficult to change either of those things actually. But I am how I am. I am feisty. I am hypocritical. I am rude. I am mean. I am nice. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am sweet. I am short-tempered. I am understanding. I am caring. I am empathetic. I am sympathetic. I am aggressive. These, and more are all true to the max. And I am not going to continuously apologize for any of these behaviors unnecessarily. I need to learn to trust myself first. That has been my biggest issue for the past ten years and then some. I have found that I have issues trusting others. So I figured I could only trust myself. Fine. Stereotypical teenage girl. I can live with that label for a short amount of time. About a minute later and I begin to resent it, and therefore try to rid myself of it. I pretend to trust others. But the key to changing things is not to pretend to change, but to actually change. So I chose a new route; don’t care about other people’s opinions or their labels of you. That worked well for a long time. Until I actually started to like some of my peers, and I discovered I have this intense craving to be accepted and fit in. So we’re back to the stereotypical teenager drama. Back to the drawing boards as it were. So I tried a novel idea; be a stereotypical teenager. Enjoy it. Don’t fight it. It’s life. That one worked wonders. And then a new question was raised; What if you can’t even trust yourself? What then? And that terrified me. I thought, “Oh my God. I can’t trust myself. I don’t make good choices. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself now?” I hate admitting to being dependent on others, however I desperately want to have that one person there to just let me collapse on them physically, emotionally, and mentally. But I don’t want to have to tell them/ask them to be there. I just want them to be there. And I’ve fooled myself into thinking there’s at least two people I can look to for that. In all reality it’s not true at all. They both have their own lives that do not constantly coincide with mine. And I most definitely do not want to take that from them. But now I’m stuck. What do I do if I feel I cannot even trust myself? Now I’m just sitting here thinking about what an obnoxious whiny teenager I am being right now. Fuck that. I hate that shit. I don’t want to be that shit. I’ve reached no new resolution, or just solution in general. But I need to go drive myself insane thinking about this on my own for a little bit…

That it felt like this, we were never told...

Well. I now know why my grandmother chose TODAY to take me shopping and whatnot. So I could be distracted from all of the pictures and texts I’ve been getting from my family that are of Chris and about Chris and what a wonderful goddamn time they’re having without me. Dammit. I was okay with just being bitter about it. I was okay with ignoring how it actually physically hurts me that I’m not in Oklahoma right now. And then I get the picture of him in his uniform. And then the waves of tears hit me. This. Is not. Cool. I miss him. Yeah that’s lame sounding, but he’s my brother. My only brother. And everyone in my family, sans myself, is there with him. And my sister had the gall to say that me going to dinner on Saturday with my godparents and my grandparents isn’t fair. Not only that, she had the gall to say it in front of me, actually she was sitting right next to me. At dinner. To my whole family she declared this. I just turned and looked at her and said very quitely, but very forcefully, “You want to talk about unfair?” She just looked at me with the look of “Oh shit what did I just say?” as my parents and grandparents all at the same moment said, “Melissa. Shut up. Now.”


On a different and more upbeat note, mainly because I’m sick of being sad and feeling sorry for myself, I have a date for Prom. Win. I’m actually really excited now. I actually need a dress now. Good thing I’m going shopping today anyway.


I want to see Water for Elephants really badly.


I also want to do something really fun this Spring Break. I won’t, but I still want to.


I also want you to see me as I am. Maybe I just want you.

Today I learned that my sister's insanity knows no bounds...

And that if you have a head cold, driving over the Grapevine is a bitch because your ears won’t pop till seven hours later…

But back to my sister’s insanity… I found this random tumblr account today by accident. I was trying to get on my account on my brother’s computer, but this other account was automatically logged in. I saw the profile pic of this random chick I didn’t know and thought, “Who the heck is this and why is their tumblr logged in on this computer?” Me being the nosy person that I am, read all of the posts. It has these pictures of a girl that is 17. Not only that but she has a boyfriend named Kennedy that she has been with for a year and 89 days, says that she is adopted, she lives in Australia, has diabetes, and has brain cancer. It turns out to be my sister. Before anyone flips their lid let me clarify: My sister is a fourteen year old freshmen in high school. She has no boyfriend (trust me, I would know) and especially not one named Kennedy that she has been dating for one year and 89 days. The only way that she was adopted was by our stepfather (who adopted all four of us kids) after our mother got a divorce, and remarried, making him our father. She lives in Moorpark, California, UNITED STATES. It’s like the Clovis of SoCal. But smaller. She does NOT have diabetes. And she MOST DEFINITELY DOES NOT have brain cancer in any way shape and or form. She is as healthy as a horse. Guaranteed. She. Made. It. All. Up. None of it is true. So what I’ve been wanting to scream at her all day is: “WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?!” Literally who? Ever since I saw that the phrases, “Who does that?” and “What the fuck?” have been running through my mind nonstop. What kind of crappy life do you have to have to make up the most awful stuff to make it seem worse? And what really ticks me off is the diabetes and brain cancer part. You self righteous little prick get off your pedestal and go crawl into a hole you miserable excuse for a human being. There are SO many things that are messed up with her morally and mentally, obviously, that I don’t even know what to think about her, or even how to handle the situation. I want to punch her square in the mouth for being so stuck up, and enough of a… I can’t even think of the right name I want to call her, but the fact that she has the gall to do this. Who. Does. That?!?!?!

You're just too good to be true...

Michael and I have the bizarrest friendship on the face of this earth. We challenge, fight with, scream at, and understand each other without a word. Last night was the biggest fight we’ve had since sophomore year… maybe less. I can’t recall. There were tears, frustration, curse words, and epic amounts of sorrow. But that boy teaches me more every single day without evening knowing it or meaning to. He pushes me to be a better person no matter how much I fight him tooth and nail the entire way. Last night I was shattered by the thought that he’d finally given up. In all reality he was giving me tough love and pushing me to think before I speak. Of Course I saw nothing wrong with the situation and immediately turned to defense mode, I was angry, sad, pretty much an emotional wreck. He has been my best friend for five years, and I’m terrified of someone I love finally seeing the true me and walking out on my life because I disgust them. Take those two facts and add in last night’s train wreck to the mix, and you get one completely broken, depressed, emotionally sick to the point of being physicallysick Megan. Not my happiest moment to say the least. We used to fight like cats and dogs on a weekly basis, and then we realized we know each other all too well to judge one another. The fact that he said he was saddened and hurt by my actions, that didn’t even involve him, shattered me. I’m insane and am constantly searching for people’s approval, and lately I’ve been trying to be more happy and accepting with myself, so I try not to care too much about what other people think of me. But he’s my oldest friend, I would trust his word with my life if it came down to it. So I care more deeply about his opinion above almost all others. And I trust him enough to have complete faith in what he says. I forget what a good guy he is to me every now and then. And I think last night revealed that. He looks out for me even when I don’t look out for myself. And that’s such a wonderful blessing in my life that I don’t acknowledge enough. :)

What kind of world do you want?

“Believe me, you really don’t have to worry, I only want to make you happy. But if you say ‘Hey go away’ I will. But i think better still, I’d better stay around and love you. Do you think I’d have a place, let me ask you to your face; do you think you love me? Oh I think I love you…” -David Cassidy and the Partridge Family

I have two hundred million pictures I want to send in for the senior video, I’m thinking they’re not going to use all two hundred million and I should dwindle that number down… sadface

Oh, in case any one was wondering Gonzo and Racks got 102% on their Statistics Project about a survey on Brady the Jabroni Bersano. Just so you know. happyface

I think I’m getting sick, and that sucks entirely.

I’m house sitting in Moorpark all of Spring Break for my family who will be in Oklahoma to visit my only brother. I don’t get to go. That also sucks entirely. supersadface

I want to start writing again. This counts, but not really. Maybe I will start this Spring Break.

Oh wait, no I won’t, I’ll be doing what those with a horrible sense of humor (and no mercy for our poor senior souls) call Heaven Part Two the. Entire. Time. killmenowface

There is also nothing to do in Moorpark when you know absolutely no one.

There is even less than nothing to do in Moorpark when you know absolutely no one and your whole family is in another state.

I guess that could be perceived as a good thing to all of the sick, twisted, joy-deprived souls. I am not one of those. angryface

The major plus side to this awful situation that is so ridiculous it’s incredible? Shopping spree to the max. And dinner at Ruth Chris Steakhouse on the 23rd. That’s a bit of a win I suppose. happyface

I want to go to Disneyland. Right. Now.

You give me chills. Stop being so fantastic in your own insane way.

If you don’t intend to acknowledge how incredibly attracted I am to you, and then proceed to woo and court me, stop being so ridiculously compatible with me. It’s not fair. So knock it off. Or love me passionately. Whatever floats your boat. However, I vote for the latter, it sounds like a good plan. A total win win. I get you in all of your amazing ability to make me feel normal, important, and not like a complete idiot (whilst I make a fool of myself over you). And you get me… okay maybe not a completely fair trade, but if this entirely irrational and hypothetical situation were to work out, I’d do my fair share of at least attempting to be as equally fantastic as you. It’d be hard work, but I’m completely convinced you’d be worth it. Want to prove me right??

I feel

At peace.

Full of compassion.

Want.

Love.

Wonder as to why the heck I’m writing something that could qualify for an english assignment in my blog…

I wish, I mean I REALLY wish I could just act upon instinct, upon feeling, just to do what I want. But that requires guts, and possibly making a fool of myself. And maybe even freaking some people out. But that doesn’t keep me from just wanting to do it. Almost everyday I think, “What if I just did it, and then walk away like nothing happened?” But, again, this isn’t the movies, I can’t just do something and act upon a feeling because I just really want to. I wish it worked like that. I’d be so much more of a forward person than I already am. Okay then maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea… But I still just want to do it. Maybe I will. Probably not. But maybe. You never know, maybe the timing will be right. Probably not. But maybe… I wish.

Music

Sometimes I can’t even figure out what it is I’m feeling, or even how I want to express it. Which freaks me out because I’m a control freak and cannot handle not being in control of my own thoughts and feelings. But music, music helps me bypass the hesitation and total shutdown that would commence because I don’t know how I feel, or why. Music lets me relax, and just emphasizes the feelings I have to a new level, a more apparent level, so I can fully face them and figure out what’s going on in my own mind, in my own spirit. Or I can just ignore them and love the music and how it greatly influences my mood.

Killing Me Softly With His Song = Want. Desire. Pain. Devotion. Passion.

I Miss You = Sorrow. Love. Want. Passion.

I haven’t heard those songs in forever, then Pandora decides to play them, I belt along, and suddenly I feel better. I feel in control again. I know what I feel. I want passion. I have an intense desire, craving even, for love. Passion. Devotion. I have sorrow in the recognition of the fact that I, and I alone, am keeping myself from obtaining these things. That empty, missing feeling is back. It’s not angst or depression, but just emptiness I wish to fill with the reciprocated love of another. And maybe one day I will. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe next week, or the week after, even. Maybe one day I’ll forget all about it and grow up to be an old, bitter spinster. I just feel I need the comforting knowledge that there is someone there for me, and me alone, who will love me as compassionately and as wholly as I love him, and I feel that knowledge will bring me peace. Ease my worried heart… maybe one day.

Releasing all of my bottled up emotions... In one day.

I cried for a whole day. I haven’t cried that much in… Well I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much. But I feel like I not only physically released the pain I felt about the current situation, but also all the pent up pain I’ve been locking up for….. almost six months now. So that was scarier than anything I ever experienced, because I just couldn’t stop. I thought I was never going to be happy again. It’s like when you have the stomach flu and wonder if the excessive vomit will ever stop erupting from your esophagus. I wondered if I would never be able to stop crying. But I eventually lapsed into a kind of coma by “watching” television for the entire day. I also distracted myself by forcing myself to work on my dance. And then this hour long scalding hot, melt my skin off with just the steam shower felt incredible, and I feel better. Not normal, but better. Like I can fake my way through the day pretending to be okay and happy tomorrow. And that’s all I ask for.