The ending of one adventure only leads to the beginning of another

This, this right here is what a family looks like. These people are here for me every single day despite our differences in beliefs, tastes in literature, what we want to do with our lives, or any other completely unnecessary and irrelevant fact you want to throw at us to create a break in this bond we all share. Every single one of these people have impacted my life in a huge way. And I will NEVER forget any of them for that. I love each and every one of them from the deepest place inside my heart. They are my family, and I will miss them all dearly.

Hypocrisy

Really? I mean really now. As I rambled in a sleep-deprived stupor Sunday morning on the car-ride home, I discovered how much hypocrisy bugs the life out of me. Initially I just threw that answer out there, and then I rambled about it for a bit, but then I started really thinking about it today, and yeah, that is the thing I hate most about people (at least I think that was the initial question). And I just saw something that made me want to punch the person who posted it directly in the face. Initially I was surprised that someone who typically treats me quite nicely, and has never done wrong by me, could make me so incredibly angry. I mean, who are you to judge me? Who are you to be the self-righteous prick you’re being by judging what I do, what I eat, what I like? And just so whoever reads this knows, I’m trying incredibly hard to not curse right now, I’m trying to be less of an angry person, and cursing doesn’t help me. But man, oh man that made me so mad. And ironically Michael and I were just talking about how both of us have been trying so hard this year to be less angry all the time because we both have a history of being incredibly angry. And we both said that we seem to have done well. And I suppose you could say I have made an improvement because I didn’t immediately verbally abuse the daylights out of them, and I didn’t just punch them in the face, but I am showing my complete distaste for that kind of behavior here. In a blog. So all in all this is the mildest form I think I could provide for my anger. Hypocrites. Oooh. I want to scream. At them. And make them feel completely insignificant and like a total jackass. Yeah, I still have some issues to work out I guess…

No one ever said it would be this hard...

Just take me back to the start…

• I. Am. So. Bloody. Tired. I feel bad too because I was holding up so well to the stress of everything, and I was being a bit condescending to those who were having like mental breakdowns… and yeah. I’m on the edge. I can feel myself about to just collapse, and something tells me I shouldn’t do that because I wont get back up, and I don’t think there’s anyone around who will catch me/help me back up. And that sounds really whiny and very “Woe is me. I don’t have anyone there for me.” And I hate that. But I’m too exhausted to lie. I want someone to just physically and mentally take care of me and console me and tell me it’s all going to work out and be okay. Someone to just hug me and just be there. I’m sick of my grandmother getting mad about me ranting to her when she asks what’s wrong. I’m sick of her saying, “Just shut up. It’s going to work out. You’re just being stupid and making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not that big of an issue. Stop trying to over-involve yourself in the show to feel important.” My initial response is to tell her to shut the f*ck up and then punch her in the face. I’ve had a lot of pent up stress which turns into anger, which I’ve been needing to physically let go of. Ryan T was my punching bag today because I was just done. And I shouldn’t have done that. And I’m sorry. But I already apologized. And I think he gets that today just wasn’t my day and I took it out on him. So that’s not a big issue.
• As weird as this sounds, chatting with Olson today made me realize how fed up I am with my parents trying to dictate my life outside of their reach. I can’t choose where I apply to/go to for college, I can’t choose what classes I want to take, I can’t choose what I want to do with my life. I’m barred from even getting a haircut until after many hours of debate and tears. And that bugs me to no end. And my parents are under the impression that I can’t handle certain things, so they keep me from doing them. Who are they to say I can’t handle it? So I make a few mistakes, they are MY mistakes. How am I supposed to learn if they wont let me? I think it just got to me more than it normally would have because I’m so frayed at the edges.
• I just… need someone. Someone to lean on. And I don’t think I have that. Which makes me want to cry. Because that’s my fault. That is one mistake that no matter how hard my mother has tried to keep from happening, it’s happened. I just feel so vulnerable and insignificant, and like I said, I just need someone to physically, mentally, and emotionally lean on…
• I really hope I can make it through these next few weeks before I have to start all over again pretty soon…

I've got to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time...

Ever since I’ve decided to stop being completely rude (which is like two days ago) I’ve already seen some dramatic changes in my life. I’m less annoyed with people, and I feel less hatred within me.

I’ve also been working really hard on working out the kinks in my faith. I’ve struggled with my faith and religion ever since I can remember. But I was in Mass on Sunday, and I kind of had this opening of my heart moment. My biggest issue with believing in Christ was putting that much trust in someone I could not be sure of was there. That and I got extremely agitated by people who attacked other people because if their faith or lack thereof, in the name of God. I would always think, “Isn’t God supposed to love everyone? What kind of god would support his ‘people’ treating their fellow man like that?” and then, I guess God finally answered my questions/prayers and sent me a few signals. The first was a friend of mine’s blog a few days ago. And it had a picture of awful people holding signs saying terrible things like “God hates faggots. God punishes gays.” etc. And beneath it she put, “Reblog if this is NOT your God.” that made me think, and it also made me happy that I wasn’t alone in my belief that if there was a God, they loved everyone. The second was Mass on Saturday. First of all there were these two adorable little kids, a brother and a sister, with their parents. And the brother was maybe four or five and was restless the whole time. And the sister was maybe nine or ten, and she was so cute trying to pay attention the whole time and was fascinated when Father Eric gave the ushers their bread and wine. And then they were both really interested in the mural of Christ and his Apostles that is on the back wall. And it just made me happy to see to sweet kids that interested in their faith. And then the Gospel was Matthew 7:21-23. And THAT really spoke to me. And then, when we were praying for the different things for the church, one of them was to pray for the youth who are lost in their faith, to help them find it through the love of Christ. And I swear on the grave of my grandfather, that the light coming in from the stained glass windows above shined directly on me, and was so bright I had to cover my eyes with my hand. And I felt this warm happy presence inside of me and thought, “This is it. This is my sign that He really cares about me.” And I cried right then and there. And so with that, my new faith, and (hopefully) my walk with Christ in my life begins.

Im disgruntled:

With myself. I feel like I’ve been ruder than I need to be. And I’ve been thinking about how I treat people, and how probably 95% of the people I just talk to must think I hate them because I’m typically an argumentative, in-your-face bitch. And I’m a total hypocrite. I hate hypocrites. I really do. And who am I to judge you? Who am I to say “You’re wrong, stop doing that”? ESPECIALLY when it comes to religion. I am so rude to people who voice their faith and beliefs because I am struggling with my own beliefs. And that’s wrong of me. I should not have to try to bring down other people in their happiness and comfort, that’s just wrong. So, I’m so sorry to everyone (especially people like Brady and Cameron who have constantly received flack from me because I felt the need to play the Devil’s Advocate) I’ve ever been just plain rude to. It’s your opinion, do with it what you will. And I’m going to try really hard to change that. Because it bugs me, and I don’t need to act that way.