She's got a secret and she wants to tell....

Why do we feel this constant need to keep our (possibly) unrequited love a secret? Why can’t I just go up to him and say, “I find you attractive. For several reasons. Now I can either walk away and leave it at that, or stay here, list said reasons, and wait for your response. Which would you prefer?” Why does every cell in my body tremble at the thought of doing that? Why am I so scared to just be honest? Because he could say “Well I don’t feel the same and your love is unrequited.” Life would go on. He may think I’m a little weird, and maybe jumping the gun, but I should be able to live with that. Right? In theory I should be able to live with it. I mean I’m not even this nervous for auditions! Or callbacks! I’m as cool as a cucumber. No shaking, sweaty palms, or shortness of breath. And yet every time I think about confronting him about this, I can’t think, my mind goes blank. The next thing I remember is thinking, “Holy crap. What am I going to do?” Here’s my issue, when I like someone, I like them alot. I don’t just do the “Aw he’s pretty cute. Ohh and he’s hot.” No. I like a person all the way. I analyze how they speak, what they say, what they believe in, what really attracts me to them, etc. It sounds creepy/crazy, but I observe them in typical situations and see how they respond, and it’s typically how they think and act and their interactions with the people around them that draws me to them. With the one exception of any relatively attractive male successfully seranading me with ”Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera, yeah that’s all you have to do to make me swoon. And this guy, it’s his sense of assuredness (yes I just made that up) about him. And his intelligence. For once I’ve found a relatively smart guy, who’s attractive if I do say so myself, and pretty dang talented. He makes me think. And question everything I’m going to say before I say it. I have had to reevaluate myself, and accept who I am all at once. Anyway, and what if he said, “Well, hey. I kind of like you too. Wanna try and make this work?” That’d be awesome. Seriously, what is THE worst that can happen? He says I’m a freak, spits in my face and knocks my books out of my hands. In response I punch him in the face and knee him in the nuts. I think I could handle that. Now mind you, that is the most extreme of extremes. Okay, I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him…. Eventually. When? I should really set a date to actually do so, or I never will… Can I just bypass this anxious teenage girl phase and just get the point where we fall in love and grow old together? That’d be cool.

Life is, “Ohmygod if I tell him, he’ll tell her, and then she will know I like her.” But good grief I don’t think that I can take this heartbreak any longer. I will not hold it in. -Jukebox the Ghost: Hold It In.

Ice Cream, he brought me ice cream, vanilla ice cream, imagine that!

I feel like total crap. I think I'm being punished for not going to my school's winter formal this evening. I really wanted to go, it's a masquerade, how could I not go? But I didn't have a date, or a group to go with. Although I did have a dress and a mask. But I chose not to go just the same. There's always Prom. Anyway, but the reason I think I'm being punished is because I feel completely awful. I have a massive migraine, a horrible cough, and everytime I cough my migraine gets worse. I also am completely overheated and feel like my whole body is on fire, except for my toes which are frozen solid right now. And my hands variate from ice cold to luke-warm and clammy. Also, I've hardly eaten anything all day and yet I still feel like im going to puke at any second... And my lips are totally chapped, but I can't find my chapstick. The worst part about all of this though? I have school and reahearsal on Monday. I really hope I can get over this by then. I really do. So who wants to bring me some chocolate ice cream?

I was thinking to myself; this could be Heaven, and this could be Hell...

-The Eagles.

Have you ever prepared yourself for something for a long time? A moment that "your whole life leads up to"? A moment that "will grow to define you"? I feel like I may have had one of those today. But it didn't happen like you think it would, like the movie say it will. It just happened. And I have been dreaming about the perfect moment and what I would do during it, how I would possibly forever change myself and the world around me. But, at the last second I chickened out. I suddenly felt that the time was not perfect. But I doubt that I can wait forever, so I just need to strategically make the perfect moment myself. I can already envision plenty of opportunities to make it happen, I just need to build everything strategically up to that. Make sure everything is in place, where I need it to be. I can make if my Heaven, an succeed in my goal, and hopefully make my happy ending, or with one wrong move, I can make it my Hell and ruin it all. But that's the chance I'll have to take if I really want this. And I do, for both of our sakes.  

A Private Challenge:

Today I was confronted with a very uncomfortable task: get in touch with myself through dance… in front of the whole class. Granted, everyone else was doing the same thing at the same time, but I just, I don’t do that. Not in front of people at least. I do that in my room, alone, with the door closed, where no one can see me. There I experiment with dance and see what works and what doesn’t. Then, when I pretty much perfect it, I’ll show people. But not before. I understand the purpose of letting go and just being you, but I don’t do that. I CAN’T do that. Everything I say and do is practiced, refined, rehearsed. I rarely say everything that I want to say. I practice what I want to share with the world before I share it. That doesn’t make it less true or honest, it just means that I am showing what I want the world to see, and keeping what is strictly private, private. So I’m not about to dance my soul away for the whole class to see. I don’t want them seeing everything that is me, they won’t like it. Hell, I don’t like it. For reasons that are private. And I’m not about to share them here.