I came to an odd realization today...

That I don’t miss Clovis one bit. I thought I would, I really thought it would be so painful to leave that little butt-of-every-joke-city… But in all reality, I’m loving it down here. And I know, this fact depresses…. well let’s face it, when it comes right down to it, no one in Clovis is spending their summer days in 100+ degree heat mulling over how much they miss me. And I’m perfectly ok with that. I thought it would bug me, I thought I would feel depressed that people I’d thought I’d grown close to wouldn’t miss me because I was never extra important in their lives, not even for a little bit. I thought I’d miss many people, and maybe one or two would miss me. I never expected droves of people to be longing for me to return, and they aren’t. No one is. Why? Because I wasn’t me there. I am me here. I am so much happier here than I have been in awhile. This is where I want to be. I am excited for this stage of my life, I am thrilled at this change I am experiencing, and I’m not sorry I left. And don’t kid yourself, neither are you. This is a wonderful change. And I am so glad it happened to me. :D

Worst thing about packing?

You’re in your cute outfit for your grandmother’s birthday dinner, but decide to change once you get home because it’s as hot as Hades at 7:30pm, except… your comfiest summer clothes are packed. You’re therefore forced to resort to wearing the clothes you picked out for the next three days… because they’re the only things not packed. So you’ll be doing laundry daily until you actually leave, in order to have clean clothes…

The best thing about packing? You find all sorts of random shit stuff from like three years ago that you’d completely forgotten about, and then you laugh for a good five minutes and spend more time reminiscing than actually packing… until you realize you leave in three days, but you really need to be packed by tomorrow.

It’s going to be weird moving back home…

So,

Tomorrow we check out

Friday is Senior Farewell Assembly

Sunday is my friend’s Grad Party

Tuesday is my birthday

And Wednesday we graduate…

I’m ready to graduate. I’m ready to go to college. I’m exponentially excited. But I will most likely cry tomorrow. And on Graduation. Not because I’m sad I’m leaving high school. But because I will be leaving my friends. And some of my favorite teachers. And the cliche is true to an extent, I may very well see none of them ever again. And there is still so many things left unsaid. I’ve been having these visions of perfect situations where I would be able to finally say everything I’ve wanted to everyone I’ve wanted to, and it would all be okay, and life would be good again, and I’d leave satisfied and happy. Alas, my life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel or an 80s movie. Therefore, I’ll be slightly sad for a short amount of time, then I’ll accept it and go create more memories to remember nostalgically years later.

Sometimes, it's not even worth it...

I hate being so afraid to be vulnerable. I do. Because I distance myself from people so much, that when I need to breakdown and just lean on somebody other than myself, I can't. Because people don't know how to react. Or they don't give a shit because I've distanced myself and am of little consequence to their lives. Whatever it is, it's shitty and it's my fault. Truly, this is my doing. And it fucking sucks. I just want to cry. But crying in my room and just letting it out by myself is not what I need. I need someone to care. Right now, I'm sick of being there for others, I want someone to be who I am for others, for me. And I hate it when everyone is flipping their lids because then I feel like I HAVE to be strong and suck it up because too much sadness and "drama" is just that, too much. So I have to settle for putting on my well-worn bitch face and suck it up, and comfort others in their time of need, while on the inside I'm screaming and falling apart at the seams. But that's just life I suppose. It sucks, but it is what it is.

"I TELL you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God's throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness
In souls as countries lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death—
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go."
     -Thank you AP Lit Exam. I still love this poem, and it seems particularly relevant right now.

I've been here, I've done this. So why can't we move past it?

What is the main reason for fighting with the people closest to you? Not why you feel it’s okay to abuse them, like what I said last night in my blog, but what is the main reason for constantly fighting like cats and dogs with your closest friend, family member, etc?

Is it because we see the best in them, and then become disappointed when they don’t express the best side of them in public? Is is because we are jealous of their lifestyle and wish to bring them down? Is it because we “need drama” in our lives and then take it out on those closest to us? Is it because we have what we feel are unresolved issues or feelings with/for each other? What? Why?

I thought we had resolved all of our issues with each other and hadn’t fought in the longest time until recently. Really, as of late we seem to be fighting almost every time I turn around. And I don’t want to end our amazing friendship and last month together on a horrible note. So why is it so incredibly hard for us to get along right now? What are we doing wrong? This is kind of starting to worry me…

I will never understand...

Why we, as human beings, feel it is okay to abuse the daylights out of our closest friends. Verbally, emotionally, and physically in the occasional situation where we feel a punch to the arm is warranted.

Is it because we feel we can trust them to never leave us, no matter what?

But isn’t there a line that has to be drawn eventually? Doesn’t one have to have some self respect and some boundaries?

What is wrong with us? And I really do mean us, I’m guilty of this most definitely, but we as the human race are completely guilty of it as well. And I don’t think I will ever understand it.

We are really fucked up creatures…

I just woke up from a three and a half hour nap...

And it was glorious. (Just fyi it was 7:30 when I initially started this, before I became sidetracked)

Well, Prom is tomorrow. And I am officially stoked. My date apparently looks “sick” (which I translate into sharp in Megan language) in his tux, which is what we were going for, so I’m REALLY excited to see it. I’m just excited in general.

Of course there’s still a few last minute kinks I’m working out about tomorrow night, but all in all I think it’ll be fine.

I think the best part about tomorrow is going to be getting to see my mom and spend time with her in a stereotypical mother-daughter situation where she helps me get ready for Prom. And that will be especially nice because my sisters and my dad aren’t coming with her, it’s just her. :D

I’ve also discovered that I may not seem really confident in my appearances in front of my friends, or at school or whatever, but then I get home and my family does stupid things like think they’re fat or their hair isn’t pretty enough, and it always has to be me to point out the fact that they need to be happy with who they are and what they look like, and that there is no point in not loving who they are and trying to change it.

I am extremely hypocritical, I recognize this fact.

My mother just called to go over stuff about tomorrow, and then proceeded to start yelling at me because she’s all stressed out with work, and is just worried, and I had to give her a second to calm down. It was a little frustrating to have her yell at me about something that was out of my control. But I understand, it is cherry season after all.

However cherry season means tons of free cherries coming my way soon! Score.

I am STUFFED from dinner. Blech, I feel way to full.

I need to get “Friday” out of my head…