Sometimes, it's not even worth it...

I hate being so afraid to be vulnerable. I do. Because I distance myself from people so much, that when I need to breakdown and just lean on somebody other than myself, I can't. Because people don't know how to react. Or they don't give a shit because I've distanced myself and am of little consequence to their lives. Whatever it is, it's shitty and it's my fault. Truly, this is my doing. And it fucking sucks. I just want to cry. But crying in my room and just letting it out by myself is not what I need. I need someone to care. Right now, I'm sick of being there for others, I want someone to be who I am for others, for me. And I hate it when everyone is flipping their lids because then I feel like I HAVE to be strong and suck it up because too much sadness and "drama" is just that, too much. So I have to settle for putting on my well-worn bitch face and suck it up, and comfort others in their time of need, while on the inside I'm screaming and falling apart at the seams. But that's just life I suppose. It sucks, but it is what it is.

"I TELL you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God's throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness
In souls as countries lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death—
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go."
     -Thank you AP Lit Exam. I still love this poem, and it seems particularly relevant right now.

I've been here, I've done this. So why can't we move past it?

What is the main reason for fighting with the people closest to you? Not why you feel it’s okay to abuse them, like what I said last night in my blog, but what is the main reason for constantly fighting like cats and dogs with your closest friend, family member, etc?

Is it because we see the best in them, and then become disappointed when they don’t express the best side of them in public? Is is because we are jealous of their lifestyle and wish to bring them down? Is it because we “need drama” in our lives and then take it out on those closest to us? Is it because we have what we feel are unresolved issues or feelings with/for each other? What? Why?

I thought we had resolved all of our issues with each other and hadn’t fought in the longest time until recently. Really, as of late we seem to be fighting almost every time I turn around. And I don’t want to end our amazing friendship and last month together on a horrible note. So why is it so incredibly hard for us to get along right now? What are we doing wrong? This is kind of starting to worry me…

I will never understand...

Why we, as human beings, feel it is okay to abuse the daylights out of our closest friends. Verbally, emotionally, and physically in the occasional situation where we feel a punch to the arm is warranted.

Is it because we feel we can trust them to never leave us, no matter what?

But isn’t there a line that has to be drawn eventually? Doesn’t one have to have some self respect and some boundaries?

What is wrong with us? And I really do mean us, I’m guilty of this most definitely, but we as the human race are completely guilty of it as well. And I don’t think I will ever understand it.

We are really fucked up creatures…

I just woke up from a three and a half hour nap...

And it was glorious. (Just fyi it was 7:30 when I initially started this, before I became sidetracked)

Well, Prom is tomorrow. And I am officially stoked. My date apparently looks “sick” (which I translate into sharp in Megan language) in his tux, which is what we were going for, so I’m REALLY excited to see it. I’m just excited in general.

Of course there’s still a few last minute kinks I’m working out about tomorrow night, but all in all I think it’ll be fine.

I think the best part about tomorrow is going to be getting to see my mom and spend time with her in a stereotypical mother-daughter situation where she helps me get ready for Prom. And that will be especially nice because my sisters and my dad aren’t coming with her, it’s just her. :D

I’ve also discovered that I may not seem really confident in my appearances in front of my friends, or at school or whatever, but then I get home and my family does stupid things like think they’re fat or their hair isn’t pretty enough, and it always has to be me to point out the fact that they need to be happy with who they are and what they look like, and that there is no point in not loving who they are and trying to change it.

I am extremely hypocritical, I recognize this fact.

My mother just called to go over stuff about tomorrow, and then proceeded to start yelling at me because she’s all stressed out with work, and is just worried, and I had to give her a second to calm down. It was a little frustrating to have her yell at me about something that was out of my control. But I understand, it is cherry season after all.

However cherry season means tons of free cherries coming my way soon! Score.

I am STUFFED from dinner. Blech, I feel way to full.

I need to get “Friday” out of my head…

It seems...

That the common consensus is that there are two types of perfect loves:

1. When the two people involved are exactly the same and pretty much the same person and compatible in every way it’s almost ridiculous.

2. The two people involved are complete and total opposites but love each other anyway because they are so different and teach each other new things/insights/whatnot all the time.

Just rambling, but I sometimes wonder if there is a third category, or a fourth, fifth, etc. Specifically a third “category” about two people who are somewhat similar but still different in many ways. This category seems much more probable of happening to many more people, and can’t you have a “perfect love” out of that? I never hear about the normal people who have much in common, and yet many differences in which they teach their significant other many things about said differences. Of course none of this is based on fact or anything of that sort, it’s just a thought…

Apparently my little sister is my worst nightmare?

“My older sister just lost the only real friend she will ever have and gained her worst nightmare”… My little sister Melanie wrote that on her Facebook page yesterday and it’s about me. (I’m her only older sister just fyi) So I just stared at it, laughed and then said out loud, to myself, “What does that even mean?!” I assume it is in reference to the fact that I found out about her insane tumblr account and the crazy statements made on it, the fact that I hacked it and created an ask box so I could essentially harass her about the lies she was spewing on said tumblr account, and the fact that I also showed the account to my mother who then insisted upon the shutdown of said account. I’m also not friends with my sister on Facebook and only saw the angry statement because I saw her comment on one of my friend’s status’ and thought, “I should check up on her Facebook page and see what she’s up to…” And regardless what you may think about this whole situation I find it incredibly entertaining, and I can say I’m 95% sure that when I start living at home again, her world is in for a rude awakening, because her self righteous, bratty little self will be put in her place on a daily basis… This is going to be fun. :)